


when you love someone

by angstonly, angstroyalty



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kim Seungmin-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27161365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly, https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstroyalty/pseuds/angstroyalty
Summary: it's at this moment that he knows for sure, confirms a thought that's been lingering in the back of his mind. it's one on a long list of things that he's chosen to ignore, chosen to shove in the back of his mind to focus on the path laid out in front of him.seungmin is a damn good liar—especially when it comes to lying to himself.(or: seungmin meets hyunjin and slowly falls in love)
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 39
Kudos: 162
Collections: SKZ Jukebox Fest Speed Round





	1. the only thing i can do

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello and welcome to this monstrosity of a fic! i wanted to keep this short and sweet but aha [sweats] it did not become short and sweet.
> 
> song inspiration: when you love someone - day6
> 
>  **[ ! ]** potential tw: there is _very_ subtly implied bullying/hazing in the second part. like it's barely noticeable, but i add this warning just in case  
>  **[ ! ]** cw: alcohol
> 
> some things to know:  
> › suneung: college scholastic ability test. it's the korean version of american sat/act but way more demanding/exhausting. you need to do well to get into a good university. those who get admitted without taking the suneung (very rare!!) are looked down on.  
> › SKY: snu-korea-yonsei. the best of the best universities. only the top 1-2% get in. (yonsei and korea are rivals)  
> › pojangmacha: tent/street stall for street food, many of them sell alcohol at night

Words—weapons most oft wielded by man. It is through words we cut, we tear at people's souls and slice through their hearts. Seungmin doesn't really know the boy getting the tongue-lashing in front of him, only vaguely aware of his existence because of unavoidable school gossip.

And, of course, the long blonde hair.

Hyunjin's shoulders sag, back hunching in a way that makes him smaller than he actually is. His head is bowed so low that Seungmin worries for his neck, grimacing at the thought of a sore neck that will last him at least the rest of the day.

Hyunjin, he supposes, is notorious around his school. For what exactly, he isn't quite sure, nor does he exactly care to find out. Not that he holds anything against Hyunjin—it's more of a preference for Seungmin to keep to his more academically-focused peers. You are the company you keep, after all.

The tirade doesn't go on for much longer, and their gazes meet as Hyunjin turns to leave. Seungmin offers a friendly smile, and Hyunjin returns it in kind before walking out the door.

The teacher sighs and grumbles to the rest of the faculty present before beckoning Seungmin over. She smiles at him, and Seungmin can't help but marvel at the contrast. It's strange to think that this warm woman in front of him is the same woman who only mere minutes ago was throwing scathing unkind words to the boy before him. Seungmin forces a smile despite the acid in the back of his throat.

Adults and their prejudices. Disgusting.

Some people really shouldn't be allowed to be teachers, especially those who have rigid standards for success. The system is built around results—it doesn't matter how hard you work for something, how much effort you put in. It's all about the results.

Not that he has anything to complain about. Seungmin is always on top, always gets the highest marks. Who cares about his journey? He makes it every time, and that's the very reason it's he who gets the praises right now.

He doesn't understand the point of calling him in, especially after Hyunjin. Is it a deliberate show of comparison? Is it a warning? If he slips, his fate could easily have been Hyunjin's—is that what she's trying to say? Seungmin struggles to control the frown threatening to tug at the corners of his lips. He manages it somehow, only expressing his displeasure once he walks out of the room.

That was a pointless conversation—if it could even be considered one. Is it a conversation when only one person speaks? Seungmin doesn't think so.

When he's finally excused from that excruciating moment, he sighs as he walks back to his classroom.

On his way there, he sees Hyunjin, who has found his smile again. He's speaking to a boy from class three, another boy he's only somewhat aware of because of unavoidable idle gossip. They're best friends from what he can remember, often assumed to be dating for the mere intimacy of their friendship.

Seungmin never understood the idea of debating one's relationship with another. He and Jisung have been the topic of such conversations before, mostly from people who know only their names and reputations. He assumes it's the same for them.

Hyunjin catches his eye and again flashes him a smile. Seungmin returns it in kind, which makes his friend turn toward him and offer one of his own.

"Hi, Seungmin!" he greets brightly, warmth emanating from his entire frame.

"Hello," Seungmin greets back, bowing his head as he reaches his room.

Jisung nudges him as soon as he walks in, eyes wide with curiosity. "You know Felix and Hyunjin?"

Seungmin shakes his head. "Nope," he says. "Not at all."

*

Seungmin likes being the class president. He does. He enjoys the responsibility, enjoys being mediator, enjoys the way he gets to knows his peers as representative of their class. There's something about their unity that further encourages him to work hard in his role, and it's not simply just because he's Seungmin—diligent, dedicated Seungmin who fits naturally in such positions like they were made especially for him. He genuinely loves what he does.

What he doesn't enjoy is the lack of time. As much as he likes being busy, he's still just a teenager who craves any opportunity for fun. He's learned, of course, to find entertainment where he can. He wouldn't survive otherwise. Still, it's sad how little time they have to do the things they like in this cruel society where grades determine your future.

He sighs heavily as he steps out of the room, greeting the last remaining students before heading to his meeting. On the way, he passes by a typically unused classroom, and he finds himself pausing by the door at the sight of a hunched over figure on one of the desks. Sleeping, perhaps?

No, not sleeping. The figure moves, groans and pulls at his long blonde hair. He's focused on the notebook in front of him, making loud noises as he writes. Seungmin chuckles, finding the entire thing amusing.

He walks away before Hyunjin even notices he was there.

His meeting lasts longer than he would like, draining his energy so much that he briefly considers skipping evening self-study tonight in favor a well-deserved early rest. He decides against it almost as soon as the thought flashes in his mind—he can't forego any study time now that suneung is nearing.

Seungmin finds himself halting mid-step at the sight of the same boy in the same position he was in right before Seungmin went to his meeting. Hyunjin still looks to be agonizing over his study material, writing and rewriting and groaning all in one breath.

Against his better judgment, Seungmin walks inside the room. Hyunjin doesn't perceive him until he takes the seat in front of him.

"Need help?" Seungmin offers.

Hyunjin shrieks and falls out of his chair.

Seungmin presses his lips together, willing himself not to laugh as he and Hyunjin just stare at each other. But when Hyunjin starts laughing, Seungmin can't help but join him. Hyunjin has the kind of infectious laugh that's impossible to ignore. Like a spell, it's like you just _have_ to laugh along with him.

"I'm so sorry," Seungmin finally says, holding his hand out to help him up. Hyunjin takes it, still wheezing and red, dusting himself off as he stands. "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"No, it's fine, I'm just easily startled!" Hyunjin returns to his seat, straightens his back as he sits. "Help would be amazing, though. Thank you! You saw earlier right? I got an earful for not doing well on my homework. If I don't turn this in with a less than stellar score..."

Hyunjin trails off, shudders as he imagines the consequences, and Seungmin can't help but frown at the idea of a worse punishment than what he'd witnessed just today. He's never been sanctioned for anything before, always staying ahead of his academics. It's the only life he's ever known, instilled into his routine from the day he could think. Punishment has never been on the table, and witnessing anything remotely close isn't something he enjoys.

"Let's make sure you do well then."

And with that, they get to work.

Much to his astonishment, Hyunjin isn't as bad of a student as his reputation would have you think. The problem lies not with his academic capacities, but more with his willingness and motivation to engage. He tells him as much, which Hyunjin responds to with a good-natured laugh. He says nothing more, only hums a song as he continues with the rest of the problem set. It doesn't take much longer for Hyunjin to finish once he understands how to do it, and Seungmin sits back and lets him work, only speaking to check over his finished work.

When all is done and is as perfect as it could possibly be, Hyunjin tosses everything in his bag and thanks Seungmin with a hug.

"Hug me back!" Hyunjin says.

Seungmin chuckles nervously and complies, though obviously very awkward. If Hyunjin notices, he chooses to ignore it and instead flashes Seungmin a bright smile as he pulls away.

"My hero," Hyunjin adds with a wink that takes Seungmin aback. "Have fun studying! I'm heading out. Bye!"

Seungmin watches as Hyunjin jogs out of the room. He's probably the first person Seungmin has met that actually takes night study as optional.

*

"Seungmin, my hero, the only one who can save me!"

Seungmin had already stopped walking at the call of his name, but he supposes it's a Hyunjin thing to keep going regardless. He quirks a brow as he steps into the near-empty classroom, bowing his head politely at the other students who gape at his sudden appearance.

Seungmin doesn't go to other classrooms, let alone class five's, which is on the opposite side of the building. He doesn't even pass by unless he has to go to the principal's office (which, incidentally, he had just been returning from).

"Yes, Hyunjin?" he asks as soon as Hyunjin meets him halfway.

"I need your brain again." Seungmin doesn't quite know how to respond to the pout Hyunjin is shooting him. "I need help with a couple of problem sets. Math and I just don't seem to agree."

"Hyunjin, _school_ and you don't agree," he says plainly.

"Hey!" Hyunjin whines. Somehow, he's pouting harder, which Seungmin doesn't even realize is possible until now. "I mean, you're not wrong, but still! There's no need to say it out loud, sir."

"My bad," he says noncommittally with a snort. "Do you need help now or—"

"You got any time after class?"

"I mean, no, but I'm sure Ms. Choi will let me skip study period if I tell her I'm helping you with homework."

"Ms. Choi hates me."

"Yeah, but she loves me. I think she loves me more than she hates you."

Hyunjin frowns. "Geez, thanks for not disagreeing about her hating me."

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you wanted me to lie to you. I'll do that next time."

"Jerk." Hyunjin wrinkles his nose, giving him a light shove to his shoulder. Seungmin laughs at this, which makes Hyunjin chuckle. "Okay, well, I'll be in the spare room again if she _does_ love you more than she hates me."

Seungmin makes an okay sign with his fingers before stepping out, waving goodbye before walking away. He hears the whispers almost immediately, the faint murmurs of "Are they friends?" and "Since when did they start talking?" Idle gossip like always, things Seungmin cares little for.

At least it's not the usual "Are Seungmin and Jisung dating?" this time. That one has been around far too long and it was getting pretty boring.

*

Seungmin was right. Ms. Choi _does_ love him more than she hates Hyunjin.

"Oh my God," Hyunjin says. "Good thing we didn't bet on it."

"You know, you could always just... study. I feel like that would get her off your back, if even just a little."

Hyunjin stares at him as if he just insulted him and his entire family. He places a hand on his chest, eyes wide and unblinking. "Now why on earth would I subject myself to such torture?"

Seungmin stares back at him, bemused. "Wouldn't it be better to study now so you're not cramming for the suneung later?"

"Oh you poor thing," Hyunjin says, beckoning him over with a quick wave of a hand. Still confounded, Seungmin steps closer and is immediately pulled in for a very tight hug.

"Wh—"

"Shhh," he interrupts, stroking Seungmin's hair. In the select encounters they've had, Seungmin can pretty much surmise that Hyunjin is affectionate by nature. Still, this is new. "Shhh, it's okay. You'll be okay. Oh you poor thing, it will all be okay."

"I'm so confused." Seungmin makes no effort to move—not like Hyunjin would let him anyway. His hold is tight, almost like he's trying to squeeze him to death, but in a weird patronizing way.

"Oh darling," he sighs, finally loosening his hold, "look at you just constantly thinking about academics. Seungmin, I'm not taking the suneung."

Seungmin pulls away. This time, it's he who stares as though Hyunjin had just insulted him and his entire family. His eyes are wide, voice a higher pitch than usual. "What do you mean you're not taking the suneung?"

"I mean I'm not taking the suneung," Hyunjin repeats, taking his seat and flipping his textbook open. "That shit's insane and I don't hate myself _that_ much."

This takes Seungmin by surprise, shocks him enough that he's rendered speechless for a solid five seconds before he regains his senses. He supposes it's always been a possibility that he'd meet someone not interested in the exam, but he didn't think he'd ever live to actually meet one.

"Look, I know what you're thinking," adds Hyunjin. "What am I going to do in the future? This entire country places so much emphasis on the exam that it'll be near impossible to do anything without it."

"I didn't—"

"I want to dance," Hyunjin says, a warm smile on his face. "That's why I'm not doing so well in school. I spend my time dancing instead of studying. _That's_ my future—dance. I want to drop out and focus just on dance, but my parents and I made a deal. I can't drop out until I get accepted into a company, so here I still am."

Seungmin focuses on his book, settles himself in his seat and mutters, "I didn't ask, but okay."

Hyunjin chuckles. "You're funny."

Seungmin looks up, meets his gaze with furrowed brows. "Thanks?"

Hyunjin merely smiles before starting on the work that needs to be done.

*

"Oh my God."

Seungmin looks up as he hears the unmistakable voice of Han Jisung, his best friend since they were in diapers. He stands by Seungmin's desk, eyes narrowed at him, suspicious and inquisitive.

"What?"

Jisung says nothing, folds his arms over his chest and keeps staring instead. Seungmin stares impassively back, offering silence in return to Jisung's own.

They stay like this for a good minute, earning curious looks from passersby. Their classmates are used to it by now, he's sure. He and Jisung have been in the same class since middle school, and those who've shared said classes with them are fully aware of how their relationship goes.

"So," Jisung finally says, occupying the empty seat beside him, "don't you have something to tell me?"

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. "No?"

Jisung's jaw drops as though scandalized by his response. He begins pouting, eyebrows scrunched together to make his displeasure even more obvious than it already is.

"Seriously, what?" Seungmin prods, nudging him in the shoulder.

"Hwang Hyunjin!"

Oh. Oh! Seungmin starts laughing, shaking his head at the response he's getting from Jisung. Word gets around so quickly in their school—he supposes it shouldn't be much of a shock that his interactions with Hyunjin have made it to Jisung.

"Don't laugh, jerk," Jisung hisses. He's still pouting, but it eventually loosens up when Seungmin pokes at his cheek. "Okay, seriously, when? How? And why was I not informed?"

"You make it sound like we're secretly dating or something. We first talked around a week ago." Seungmin thinks back to their encounters, how easy it was for the two of them to converse. It's not entirely a surprise that people would assume friendship when both boys have friendly dispositions. "I helped him out with a couple of school stuff, that's all."

"And you didn't think to tell your number one boy? Your best friend in the entire world? The love of your life and your _soulmate_?"

Seungmin pretends to think, taps at his chin in feigned deliberation. "I'll apologize to Jeong—"

He gets cut off by Jisung's loud gasp, his hands reaching for Seungmin's cheeks to squish them together in protest. "Take that back! How _dare_ you!"

"I'm joking, you big baby." Seungmin consoles him with a soothing pat on his head, rolling his eyes as Jisung starts to loosen up and smile again. "I didn't think it was important enough to mention. It's not like we've become friends or anything."

"Little birdies tell me that you guys laugh and flirt though. Maybe not friends, but it sounds like something more is bubbling."

"Flirt where?" Seungmin bursts out laughing. The idea that he of all people is engaging in something akin to flirting is risible, something that never once crosses his mind especially when all that occupies his thoughts is the devil called suneung _,_ which, apparently, Hyunjin has long decided not to take. "Your birdies are wrong. Besides, do you really think I wouldn't tell you first if I really were doing something like that?"

"I don't know, Min," Jisung hums. "You're annoyingly dense when it comes to these things."

Seungmin raises a challenging brow, one that Jisung mirrors as they proceed to stare each other down. There's a beat of silence that passes between them before Seungmin finally speaks.

"I'm not dense, Ji," he says plainly. "There are things that I just choose not to acknowledge and simply ignore. Feelings and whatnot are on the top of that list."

Jisung scrunches his eyebrows, shaking his head in disapproval. "That, my friend, is why I'm the only person who can love you as much as I do. I don't know if there's anyone who'd be able to handle your Seungminisms."

"Perfectly fine with me," Seungmin snorts. "Your crazy ass takes up so much of my attention that it'd be difficult for anything else to grab it."

"You say that, but it's pretty clear that Hyunjin already has."

And as if on cue, Hyunjin barges into their classroom with the biggest smile on his face, waving around a piece of paper while yelling Seungmin's name. Seungmin ignores the look that Jisung is giving him and instead looks at Hyunjin, who has kneeled in front of his desk and is beaming at him.

"Seungmin, look!" He's grinning so brightly, tapping at the piece of paper now lying on his desk. On the corner of the paper is a bright red "94" and Seungmin can't help but smile back as soon as he sees it.

"I told you so."

Hyunjin stands up to squish Seungmin's cheeks between his palms like Jisung did earlier, leaning in to place a kiss on his forehead. He expresses his gratitude one more time before turning on his heel and returning to his own classroom. Every witness to this exchange seems to have stopped in their tracks to stare at Seungmin, who is unfazed and just sits back in his seat.

"Are you fucking _sure_ there's absolutely _nothing_ you want to tell me?" Jisung pokes his side, an exasperation in his voice that makes Seungmin chuckle.

He looks back at Jisung with an amused smile. "Seriously, that's just how that guy is. Nothing more to it."

Jisung stares at him but says nothing. Seungmin knows that look, knows the words stuck in Jisung's head that he decides not to say out loud. It's in his eyes, understood through the years of friendship between them.

He dismisses it with a wave of his hand, and Jisung drops the subject at least for the time being, returning to his own seat as the clock ticks closer to the beginning of homeroom.

Seungmin notices belatedly that there's a post-it stuck to his desk. On it is a doodle of a puppy and the words "thank you" in neat penmanship.

*

Days off are a rare commodity for the dedicated student. They study hard, focus on work work work until they have as much mastery of the material they've scheduled for the day as possible. The curriculum offers almost no leeway, almost no room for breaks without the risk of falling behind on what needs to be done.

Unless, of course, said student is Kim Seungmin.

Seungmin is hardworking by nature, conditioned from childhood to dedicate himself to his academic journey. SKY may be a goal for some, but it isn't for Seungmin. Instead, it's more like his endgame—his fate, his destined future. It's an all or nothing kind of thing for Seungmin—he's either in or out; he either has a future or he doesn't.

At least, that's what he's made to believe. It was his grandmother's dying wish for Seungmin to dedicate his life to an academic career, and who was he to deny her that? It's not like he's known any other life, wanted any other life. It works out for him in the end.

The typical rules don't apply to him because of this. Most parents discourage anything to distract from studying, but Seungmin's mother has made it a point to schedule his days off because he wouldn't take one otherwise. He's too dedicated, she says. Seungmin would argue he really isn't—it's more that studying is all he's really known to do.

"Jisung, darling, right on time," Mrs. Kim greets, affectionately pinching Jisung's cheeks.

"He's half an hour late, but okay," remarks Seungmin, which earns him a glare from Jisung.

"Hush, he's right on time," his mother insists.

"Your favoritism is showing." Seungmin rolls his eyes as his mom showers Jisung with affection, asking if he wants to eat before the two of them set off.

"No, Min and I are going to eat all the street food today. He's been so focused on studying and tutoring that he's been neglecting his favorite person in the world." Jisung pouts for good measure, ignoring the displeasure on Seungmin's face. "You know, mom, Seungmin has this new boy—"

"Okay, we're off!" Seungmin cuts him off, a little too loudly, but he doesn't care. He smiles at his mom as he slaps his hand on Jisung's mouth before dragging him out.

He releases Jisung only once they're a good distance away from his house. "Since when have you started calling my mother 'mom'?"

Instead of replying, Jisung says, "Why can't I tell your mom about Hyunjin if there's nothing to hide?"

Seungmin stares at him. "Why would you talk to her about Hyunjin in the first place?"

"Fair," Jisung hums, looping his arm through Seungmin's. "I wasn't really going to, but it was the first thing I could think of to tease you with. When you look at me like that, it makes me want to tease the shit out of you. It's the way of life, you know?"

"You're insufferable."

"You love me."

"Are you sure?"

Jisung leans in, hugs Seungmin's arm as he bats his lashes and blows air into his cheeks. He holds it for a quick second before opening his mouth, only for Seungmin to tell him off with a quick, "Don't you fucking dare."

Jisung grins, a skip in his step as they walk, still holding onto Seungmin's arm. "Just admit you love me; it's easier on you that way."

Seungmin rolls his eyes. "Unfortunately."

"I don't hear an admission."

Seungmin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand as he shakes his head. "Do I really have to say it? You already know I do, don't you?"

"Yeah, but it's fun torturing you and making you say things out loud." Jisung's grin is too wide, too bright for Seungmin to ignore. It's cute. It arouses a protective instinct in Seungmin. Despite appearances, Seungmin absolutely adores Jisung and would do anything for him.

"Aww, come on soulmate, don't make me say it out loud."

"I'm going to cry, thanks," Jisung says, staring up at him with affectionate eyes.

Jisung eases up after that, and they walk in comfortable silence towards the bus stop. Seungmin never really plans any of his days off—his mom and Jisung usually take care of it because they know he wouldn't. From the looks of it, it seems like they're on their way to Hongdae, and the smile on Jisung's face confirms it, especially when coupled with his declaration of a street food adventure earlier.

"I actually did want to eat your mom's cooking, but I missed you."

"That's cheesy."

"Right?"

They laugh as they get off the bus, stretching while they look around for the first food stand they can find. Knowing Jisung, the plan is most likely to stuff themselves silly as they go shopping, and they'll end up wasting time away either at an arcade or a karaoke room until it's time to go home.

"Aren't your parents concerned about your study progress?" Seungmin finds himself asking as they stroll the streets, cup of broth in one hand and _eomuk_ in the other. Jisung is munching on his own skewer, humming in delight in between bites.

"Not really," Jisung says after finishing the last of his broth. "They don't really care where I end up so long as I end up somewhere, to be honest. I think they're more invested in _your_ academic journey than mine. They're really excited to have an eventual lawyer in the family."

"That's—I mean, okay? I guess?" Seungmin isn't necessarily surprised by this having known Jisung and his family since they were children.

Jisung has never really been interested in school. Every time they study together, it's usually just Seungmin working on homework while Jisung does his own thing until he forces Seungmin into a break. Not that Jisung isn't skilled—he absolutely is. Seungmin would argue he's more intelligent than he is; where Seungmin is diligent and dedicated, Jisung is just naturally gifted. It's why he isn't worried about Jisung's academic progress.

"I'm going to try to go near you though," Jisung adds, beaming at him with his cheeks pushed up high on his face. "If you go to Yonsei, I'm going to Hongdae."

"Mm," Seungmin nods, finishing up his food. "Not that it really matters to me, if we're being honest. Dad is adamant that I go to Yonsei, but he'd accept SNU if ever. Mom wants me to go to KU to make dad suffer, though. Lovely relationship those two have."

They find themselves lost in conversation, discussing their impending exams and their progress. Seungmin is arguably one of the best prepared for the suneung, but irrational thought pierces through his mind and makes him doubt it. Jisung sees the switch, notices the far off look in his eyes, and abruptly stops to poke his forehead.

"Seungmin, if _you_ don't get into SKY, no one will."

It makes him smile how confident Jisung is in his abilities. All things considered, he knows there's a slim chance of failing, but he _is_ human. Human fallibility is his greatest downfall, and it's why he's been more receptive to the distractions as of late.

Namely Jisung's fun weekends and a boy named Hwang Hyunjin.

"Hwang Hyunjin!"

Seungmin blinks as Jisung suddenly shouts, slapping him on the arm and pointing ahead. Think of the devil and he appears, he supposes, because when Seungmin looks ahead, there he is.

And he's dancing.

And _oh my God_ , Seungmin thinks, _he's amazing_.

*

He didn't understand it. When Hyunjin first told him, when he first told Seungmin about his love for dancing, Seungmin didn't understand it. He's never had something like that—a passion, a fire that guides him and makes him want to work.

His dedication for his education isn't born out of a desire like that—not _his_ , at least. It was his grandparents' desire, his family's dreams for him. There was nothing else that spoke to him for him to say no.

Hyunjin isn't like that. He sees it now, sees it in the way he moves along to the music—careful, controlled, yet free all at the same time. His body speaks, recites poetry in every step and spin. His arms move with purpose, feet taking him where he's supposed to go. In that small space, it's filled with Hyunjin, filled with his love for his art.

He didn't understand it then, but he does now.

So when Hyunjin looks up at the end of his song, when he sees Seungmin and flashes him a smile, Seungmin can't help but smile back.

*

If Seungmin's thoughts are nothing but Hyunjin for the rest of the weekend, that's nobody's business but his.

*

"My hero, my number one!" The voice that greets him Monday morning is unmistakably Hyunjin.

Seungmin startles as he's approached—the sight of a happy skipping Hyunjin very early in the morning is foreign, let alone at this hour. It's so early that the gates haven't even opened yet, and it's the time Seungmin uses to walk leisurely at the park nearby.

"Hyunjin?" Seungmin is still evidently stunned by his appearance, ignoring the disarrayed state his uniform is in. He supposes he ran after haphazardly throwing things on. "You're awake?"

"With your busy schedule, I figured this was the only time I'd be able to catch you without interrupting," he says, fixing his tie. As messy as he looks, Seungmin finds himself frustrated that he still looks _good_. "So I asked Jisung what time you usually go to school so—" he gestures vaguely at himself. "—here I am!"

Seungmin narrows his eyes at him. Hyunjin's words elicits questions in his mind that he isn't quite certain whether to pose or not. Would it even be appropriate to ask him _how_ he knew Jisung, let alone have any of his contact information? Would it even be alright to ask Hyunjin _why_ he wanted to see him this early in the morning? He appreciates the sentiment of not interrupting his schedule, but there are ample opportunities to converse throughout the day.

"Don't frown, you'll get wrinkles." Hyunjin grins at him, taking Seungmin's face in his hands, thumbs drawing circles somewhat harshly against his cheekbones. His hands are warm. "Is it _that_ surprising to see me here?"

Seungmin deadpans at him as a response, and Hyunjin's laughter pierces through the quiet park.

"Okay, true, I'd be surprised to see me here too."

"Is there any particular reason you needed to speak with me?" Seungmin finally asks as soon as the silence returns.

Hyunjin shoves his hands into his pockets, shrugging his shoulders. His smile never falters as he starts walking, and Seungmin falls in step with him as they go down the path towards the middle of the park.

"Do I need one?" Hyunjin says, shooting him a quick glance before looking at his feet, kicking a pebble out of the way. "Maybe I just wanted special Seungmin-Hyunjin time."

"Huh, why?" he blurts out. It's an impulsive response, one coming from genuine curiosity as he looks back at Hyunjin, who has begun laughing again.

Instead of answering, Hyunjin instead asks, "How'd you like my performance?"

The question brings a smile to his face, and it's a topic he's more willing to entertain than the thoughts that are now piercing through his mind. Something changed that day, something Seungmin is yet to determine and understand. He just knows that something did.

And when Seungmin sings him praises and Hyunjin's face lights up brighter than he'd ever seen before, the skip in his heartbeat all but confirms it.

Students gape at them as they walk into the building, lost in conversation as Hyunjin tells him more about his art. Seungmin listens intently, feels Hyunjin's passion in the way he speaks with absolute fondness in his eyes.

Jisung greets him with a knowing grin when he walks inside the classroom, and Seungmin rolls his eyes in response. Jisung knows, though, without him saying it—

Seungmin is grateful.

*

His throat is dry as he stops in his tracks, becoming a part of a crowd gathering around Hyunjin and yet another pompous teacher who knows nothing about him other than numbers on paper.

What is with adults and screaming insults at children? How the fuck does this encourage learning?

Hyunjin stands in the same posture as when they'd first met, head bowed, back arched, gaze fixed on his feet. Seungmin couldn't see his expression back then, but he does now. He sees it clearly—sees this lips pressed together tightly, sees this eyes brimming with tears he's trying to hold back.

"Isn't it unfair to attack someone's character when all you see is his homework?" The words fly out of Seungmin's mouth before he has a chance to stop himself. He's going to get punished for this, he's sure.

Hyunjin looks up, eyes wide as their gazes meet. He shakes his head, a silent plea for Seungmin not to get involved, but it's too late.

"Did you have something to say, student?" The teacher glares at him, straightens his back as he steps closer. "You have something to say about Hwang Hyunjin?"

"I was more talking about how the teachers here look at grades and determine someone's character based solely on those numbers," he says, voice level and a lot calmer than he thought it would be. "You don't even bother to get to know them, understand why they might be getting low marks. And respectfully, sir, doesn't it say more about the teacher when their students fail? When it's your job to teach, doesn't that mean you fail when the students do?"

Everyone around them looks horrified. All except Jisung, who's cheering him on with his fists pumping in the air. Leave it to his best friend to be the most supportive of his rare acts of rebellion. If he had his phone, Seungmin is sure he would have recorded this exchange.

Jisung's enthusiasm aside, the teacher in front of him looks ready to burst. He's red in the face, enraged by Seungmin's defiance but still rendered speechless. The crowd disperses only when the vice principal comes to tell everyone off and tells Seungmin to follow him into his office.

As he walks past him, Hyunjin reaches for his shoulder, concern resting in the creases on his forehead. Seungmin smiles at him, pats his hand, and says, "Don't frown. You'll get wrinkles."

The smile that Hyunjin offers him, small and shy as it may be, is enough reason for Seungmin to think that all of this was worth it.

*

"Oh my God, Min, are you okay?" Jisung is quick to pull him into his arms, examining his entire body for something. All of his prior excitement is gone, replaced instead by concern. "They didn't beat you up or anything, right?"

"Corporal punishment was banned in schools in 2011, Ji," Seungmin reassures him, patting him on the head. "I got a very stern talking to, though. Sentiments of being disappointed in me, that I should know better than to disrespect an elder—all the juicy stuff that's expected of top student Kim Seungmin. My reputation is saving me from a disciplinary record."

Jisung shakes his head, arms folding in his chest. "So you misbehave and don't get sanctioned for it? This is just another Kim Seungmin thing, I guess."

Seungmin shrugs. "I don't suppose I'll be doing it again. I think." Seungmin pauses, a quick thought passing through his mind in the shape of Hwang Hyunjin. "I'll need some better impulse control. Today's _outburst_ —" he says with air quotes, "—was an impetuous move on my part."

Jisung raises an eyebrow at him. He knows that look. He knows it well. It's one of those looks that tell Seungmin that Jisung really _really_ wants to say something, but is stopping himself because of Seungmin.

"It's fine, Ji, out with it. What do you want to say?"

"I was just wondering," he singsongs, scooting closer to keep his voice low, "if there's still nothing to talk about with regards to one Hwang Hyunjin. I mean, you're getting in trouble for the guy _out of impulse_."

"It happens." Seungmin shrugs.

"Min, you're the least impulsive person to ever exist. You don't do anything without thinking about it at least five times. It's one of the things I cannot stand about you, but I love you for it nonetheless. You defended Hyunjin on instinct."

"I'd do it for anyone."

Jisung stares at him with an exasperated look on his face. Seungmin is being purposefully obstinate, if only to see such expressions from Jisung. They're amusing to him, and he'll get entertainment anywhere he can.

"Okay, okay, we're friends," Seungmin says, wrinkling his nose. "It's not a big deal. He asked me to be his tutor, I agreed, and now we're friends."

"Oh my God," Jisung exclaims, heart on his hand. "Did you—Is this why you—Oh my God, no. _No_. I'm being replaced!"

Seungmin holds his head in his hands. "You're not being replaced, drama queen."

" My _God_ , I should have known! You're literally never at night study anymore! My heart is broken! My Seungmin time has been decreasing lately and now I know why! It's because of Hwang Hyunjin! I have a rival for your attention! "

"Oh please," Seungmin scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Don't pretend you haven't been busy with a certain boy from class three. You know me well, Han Jisung, but _I_ know _you_ even better."

Jisung falls silent as his face turns completely red.

*

It's not his first time tutoring. He's been tutoring Jisung since they were in elementary school.

Arguably, though, he supposes it isn't necessarily tutoring when the student he's helping is Han Jisung. Jisung never really needed tutoring—he needed motivation. When he actually puts the time in, he understands everything so quickly that it sometimes ignites Seungmin's competitive spirit. Just sometimes. (Okay, maybe it irritates him more than he'd like to admit.)

Really, what he does for Jisung is more encouragement to put in effort than it is tutoring.

So when Hyunjin first asked him to be his tutor, he was rather circumspect. Yes, he's good at it, but that doesn't necessarily mean he enjoys it. He's learned over the years that his willingness to aid Jisung comes from three things: one, their relationship; two, Jisung's natural propensity for learning; and three, they spend all their time together anyway so it wasn't much of a change in his schedule.

In the end, he agreed. He's helped Hyunjin with homework before, and he's rather skilled when he puts his mind to it. Seungmin figures it shouldn't be too difficult.

Much to his (pleasant) surprise, "tutoring" Hyunjin is a lot like what he does for Jisung. What Hyunjin needs, rather than help with the material, is someone to hold him accountable—a job perfect for Seungmin, whose entire life already revolves around discipline and responsibility.

With permission from their respective homeroom teachers, they're allowed supervised study in the empty classroom they've already been using. _Supervised_ is an overstatement, though. A teacher checks in on them every now and again, but they're largely left alone. Special treatment, he supposes, that comes with his reputation.

The visits become increasingly infrequent the more time passes. By the end of the first week, the teacher in charge only shows up in the beginning and the end of night study.

"You're pretty amazing, ," Hyunjin says out of the blue one Friday night. Seungmin sets his pencil down, looks up to meet the softness of Hyunjin's gaze. "Thanks for helping me."

"I'm not doing anything." Seungmin shrugs, picking his pencil back up and scribbling on his notebook. They're just random words, an excuse so he doesn't have to look back at Hyunjin, whose looking at him so intently that he feels like melting. "Just keeping you company."

"Exactly," he responds. From his peripheral, Seungmin sees a smile stretch across his face. It's gentle—a different kind of bright, more warm and fond than he'd seen from him before. "I don't think you realize how profound of an effect your presence has on people, Kim Seungmin."

Seungmin pauses, presses his lips together in thought. It's the first time he's heard such a thing, and it takes him by surprise as he slowly looks up. Hyunjin is still looking at him, smiling at him all sweet and warm and kind.

"I don't really know how to respond to that," admits Seungmin with a stiff chuckle. He fidgets with his pencil, affixes his gaze on the engraved _Kim Seungmin_ on its body. It was a gift from his dad when he started studying for the suneung. He and his mom laughed at how absolutely pretentious it is, but it's a high quality pencil that's eventually become a comfort to him.

"It's okay, I didn't say it to get a response or anything. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're amazing."

"Stop that," Seungmin mutters, ignoring the way Hyunjin is leaning in, staring at him even closer. He feels his face heat up as the silence takes over, as Hyunjin's smile stretches even wider.

"Your reactions are cute, though," he hums, crossing his arms on the desk and resting his head atop them. Seungmin swears he can hear his blood pumping in his ears, swears that his ears are so hot that they're about to burn off under the weight of Hyunjin's stare. "I like seeing you flustered."

"Get back to work!" Seungmin throws his eraser at Hyunjin, who laughs heartily in response.

They say nothing more after this until it's time to go, but Hyunjin has effectively cemented himself in Seungmin's thoughts that it becomes a struggle to focus.

*

"My Seungmin, my deceptively social soulmate," Jisung coos from his bed, lying on his stomach with his feet kicking lightly in the air like the protagonist of a teen romantic comedy movie. "Who would have thought that you'd be going on your first day before you're thirty?"

Seungmin looks over his shoulder to glare at him, even more so when Jisung just keeps grinning at him.

"First of all, it's not a date," Seungmin says as he pulls two tops out from his closet, holding them out to him. Jisung shakes his head. "Wait, really? Neither of them?"

"I absolutely adore your cute ass in your preppy sweater vests, but maybe not today?" Jisung hops off the bed and walks over, combing through Seungmin's clothes to look for something else to wear. "Knowing Hyunjin, he's definitely going to dress to impress. Not that he really needs to with that beautiful face of his, and the fact that you're already insanely whipped for—"

"I am _not_ ," he huffs, shooting daggers at Jisung, who's still examining his closet. He doesn't really have anything to say about the other things that Jisung says, which he's sure Jisung picks up on as evidenced by the way he peers over at him.

"Okay, Seungmin, sure you aren't," Jisung singsongs as he finally picks something out of his closet. "Alright, wear that with the nice coat uncle got you for Christmas last year and you'll be solid."

"Thanks, Ji," he hums, changing into the outfit that Jisung picked out for him. When he's done, Jisung examines him and nods approvingly, clearly proud of his own work.

"Seriously though, you're going on a date and I just—I'm so proud of you I could cry."

"It's not a date," he repeats. "He just wanted to treat me to some good food as a thank you for helping him study."

Jisung raises his brow at him with his arms folded against his chest. There's an inquisitive glimmer in his eyes that tells Seungmin all that he's keep in that head of his, questions that Jisung knows Seungmin is still unwilling to answer. Jisung loves to tease, but there are lines he knows not to cross, especially when it comes to things like this.

So he leaves it at that, lets Seungmin finish his preparations and teases a little bit more before walking him out.

*

"I mean, yeah, Jisung did say you were deceptively social."

Seungmin rolls his eyes as he hears those ever so familiar words. Jisung's been calling him that ever since he found out how to use the word deceptive. He's not wrong thought—it's easy for people to think he's a lot more open than he actually is. People assume he has friends all over the world, something that is sadly very much untrue.

Sure, he's friendly. He's a natural people person, able to converse with all walks of life and relate to them however they need. This doesn't necessarily translate into friendship, though. At the end of the day, Seungmin is selective of who he is to call a friend.

"Jisung says a lot of things," Seungmin says plainly, lowering the heat of the grill. They're in a hole-in-the-wall barbecue restaurant for lunch, a small place that Hyunjin most likely frequents. (The staff knows him by name, and they have his 'usual order' already sent to the kitchen as soon as he walked through the door.) "His favorite pastime is annoying me."

"He clearly loves you." Hyunjin laughs, splitting the meat between the two of them. "I'm kind of jealous. That kind of pure friendship, so much trust and loyalty and affection. It's so easy to judge your relationship based on how you two are on the outside, but there's no doubt that everything between you two just goes beyond words."

"Aren't you Mr. Social Butterfly?" Seungmin looks at him curiously, sipping on the hot cup of tea the auntie gave them.

Hyunjin smiles, shrugging his shoulders. "Perhaps I, too, am deceptively social."

Now that he mentions it, Seungmin wouldn't at all be surprised if he and Hyunjin truly were alike in that respect. The friendship between them was assumed almost immediately, and Seungmin had mistakenly thought it was due to his reputation and not much else. Then again, he hadn't known Hyunjin at all back then. Seungmin had fallen prey to the idle gossip, made assumptions all on his own.

"You don't have a best friend?" Seungmin belatedly realizes that it's not a polite question to ask. If Hyunjin were offended, he shows no indication. Instead, Seungmin is greeted by another laugh. This time, it's softer—somewhat melancholy, even.

"I do," he says, setting his chopsticks down neatly on the rim of his empty bowl. "I mean, I'd like to think I do. It's kind of complicated, I guess. Or maybe not—I'm probably overthinking things like usual."

Seungmin finds that he doesn't like the way Hyunjin's expression shifts. It's subtle, hidden behind his smile, imperceptible to most. Seungmin sees it clearly, tugs at his heart and makes him press his lips together to keep from frowning.

"I just have my moments of being a shitty friend, you know?" Hyunjin casts his gaze downwards, staring at his lap. "I'm sure you know by now how ambitious I am when it comes to my dream. It worries him a lot how much I work, how much sleep I forego in favor of dancing myself to exhaustion. So we end up fighting. Eventually I just… stopped talking to him about anything, which I know is stupid."

It's ironic. Seungmin can see himself and Jisung in the situation Hyunjin has just laid out. He recalls a time not too long ago when they had ceased any sort of communication because of an argument about Seungmin's unhealthy study habits. Yet the difference is in Hyunjin's passion—the effort he puts into stepping closer to a dream. Seungmin works hard, he studies ridiculously hard. And for what, exactly?

He doesn't realize how quiet he's become until Hyunjin calls his name. He looks up, sees the concern that colors Hyunjin's eyes and smiles apologetically. "Sorry, he says. "I just thought of the last fight Jisung and I had."

"How did you make up?"

"First I hugged him. Then I spent the entire day with him." Seungmin finds himself chuckling at the memory, recalling a sulky Jisung fighting against giving in too quickly. It was a short-lived battle, one that ultimately ended with them making a pillow fort in Jisung's living room and watching anime all night. "Jisung never really gets angry with me for anything other than when I self-destruct."

Hyunjin laughs as well, and Seungmin thinks he looks much better with a smile on his face. "Felix is the same way." There's a fondness in the way he says his name, one that tells him all he needs to know about how important he is to Hyunjin. "I think we both could have handled it better, but I just—I don't want to say something I don't mean, you know? I don't see myself stopping any time soon."

"Compromise. You know it's for your own good anyway."

Hyunjin sighs heavily, leaning against his seat. "I just feel like I always have to be practicing, you know? Like if I don't, I'm never going to get anywhere. There are so many people much better than I am, and I need to constantly prove that I'm good enough."

"You are, though." As he says it, Hyunjin looks up and they gaze into each other's eyes. "Admittedly, I know nothing about dance. I can't offer you any reassurance on the technical side of things, but I have been your audience. I've _seen_ you dance. You tell stories, touch people in ways you don't even realize. Isn't it _supposed_ to be like that? Isn't the whole point of art allowing people to feel and see and hear the story you're telling?

"When I saw you dance for the first time, something changed in me. I felt something, and I couldn't really understand what it was. I think it was _you_ ; I think I felt your heart, your passion. And I think that's something you can't really teach, you know? Being able to evoke those emotions in the people around you. That's a talent—a natural gift."

Hyunjin stares at him, eyes wide and unblinking. He says nothing for a moment, only looks at Seungmin with his lips slightly parted. Then slowly, he begins to smile.

"Careful, Kim Seungmin, or I might fall in love with you."

"Yikes. Pick someone better." Seungmin laughs, rolls his eyes with a shake of his head. Hyunjin grins at him, the reflection of fluorescent lights making his eyes look like they're shining.

*

"Wow."

That's all Seungmin can say after Hyunjin finishes his routine, staring at his reflection in the mirror with his mouth agape. He's seen Hyunjin dance before, but never like this. The dance was so intimate that it almost feels like he'd been intruding in a private moment, like it's something he wasn't meant to see.

"It's a work in progress," Hyunjin says before chugging his water, sitting on the floor and patting the space beside him. "I'm trying to choreograph something for my next audition, but it just doesn't feel right yet."

"If it were up to me, I'd give you a perfect evaluation." Seungmin sits beside him, hands him his phone where he had just recorded his practice. In his perspective, Hyunjin is flawless. He had already thought he was amazing the first time he saw him dance, but today was even better. He didn't think it was possible, but Hyunjin is just that wonderful.

Hyunjin chuckles, pokes his side before dragging him down to lie on the floor with him. They're at a small practice studio on the outskirts of Sinchon, just a couple of minutes away from Yonsei. Hyunjin tells him it's his family friend's, and he's free to use it whenever it's free.

Hyunjin tells him about how his dream began on an arbitrary Saturday afternoon when he was seven. He was in Hongdae with his family and fell in love with a dancer busking on the street. From then on, that's all he had always wanted to be. His parents supported it as a hobby, as something to relax him when he isn't studying. They weren't so accepting when he finally told him that it was his dream to dance.

"That busker hyung ended up becoming a really famous choreographer," Hyunjin says as he stretches his arms out to the ceiling. "Once he established the company for a dance team, I just knew that that's where I'm supposed to be. They're incredibly selective though, so I've just been practicing nonstop."

"Here I was, ready to buy you a company," Seungmin half-jokes, nudging him on the side. "You'll get in, Hyunjin. I know you will. And hey, if I get into Yonsei, I'll just be a couple of minutes away."

" _If_?" Hyunjin scoffs. "If _you_ don't get accepted, no one will. You're like the standard, you know? The best of our generation."

"Stop that." Seungmin snorts, but he finds himself laughing when Hyunjin does. "Seriously though, it wouldn't be the worst thing if we ended up close by."

"Why Yonsei anyway? Where is the passion coming from?"

Seungmin pauses to think about Hyunjin's word choice. _Passion_ , he says. He smiles sadly, sitting up to hug his knees to his chest, "It's not really a passion," Seungmin mutters, staring at a scuffed spot on the wooden floor. "I don't have one. I have nothing like dance is to you. I wish I did, if we're being honest. I don't really have drive, nothing that inspires me to work hard like you do. I don't really have a dream."

Hyunjin mirrors his posture, eyebrows knitting together as he regards Seungmin with concern etched on his features. It's a silent question, an invitation to speak more if Seungmin feels comfortable enough to. It's not really something that he thinks much about, let alone out loud.

But the way Hyunjin is looking at him, the way his eyes pierce through Seungmin's soul makes him want to bare it all—wants to share what he keeps hidden in the back of his mind, deep in the pits of his heart, if only just a small part of it.

So he does.

He tells Hyunjin all about the family legacy, about generations of Kim lawyers and the expectations to follow in his ancestors' footsteps. A law degree is his dream only because he's been told it is; SKY is his destiny only because that's what his family has decided for him. It's a birthright passed on from one son to another that no one dare go against.

Seungmin hasn't known any other life, any other dream or interest. It's how he's been raised, how he's been conditioned.

He works hard because it's all he has—the legacy is all he has.

Otherwise, he's just a shell, a ghost of a person with no purpose. Alive but not living.

Silence is what follows his story, deafening silence that's screaming for reprieve. It's different when thoughts are spoken, are said out loud to a listening ear. He feels apologetic, embarrassed even for his monologue.

Then Hyunjin whispers his name. He says it so softly that he almost misses it.

He looks up and sees Hyunjin with tears streaming down his face. It takes Seungmin by complete surprise, and he laughs nervously and wraps an arm around him.

"Why are you crying? This doesn't deserve your tears, Hyunjin."

"I'm sorry," he says, wiping on his tears as he leans on Seungmin's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I just—You really have no idea how wonderful you are, Kim Seungmin. You give yourself such little credit, and it makes me sad that you don't see it.

"You say all you have is this predetermined dream, this birthright, but that doesn't change the fact that you work so hard every single day to achieve it. Doesn't that make you even more amazing? The fact that you can put your heart and soul into something like this? You do your best for it regardless. Maybe _that_ 's your passion, Seungmin—tenacity, finding ways to enjoy everything you do, making things your own.

"You have a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders, I can see that. And it's really admirable how dedicated you are to fulfilling every single one of them. Give yourself more credit, please."

He doesn't realize his own tears rolling down his cheeks—not until Hyunjin wipes them away with his thumb.

"Is this payback for what I said in the restaurant?" Seungmin quips.

Hyunjin smiles at him, so warm and kind and _Hyunjin_. "Why? You falling in love with me?"

*

"Min, you're spacing out." Jisung snaps his fingers in front of Seungmin's face. "This isn't like you. Do you really feel that lonely with Hyunjin being gone for _one_ day?"

Seungmin deadpans at him. "Why would I be when I have you?"

"Wh—Wait—That's _foul_!" Jisung yells, pointing an accusing finger at him. The rest of the class is unbothered by the outburst, already quite accustomed to their loud conversations. "You can't just _say_ that! What the fuck? My heart! It's melting!"

Seungmin snorts, not at all surprised by the reaction. Jisung is cute when he's flustered, and he's always entertained to see it up close. Saying something like that, of course, means that Jisung is now clinging to him, scooting close and hugging his arm.

"I'm just nervous, I guess?" Seungmin admits, twirling his pencil between his fingers. It's a generic one this time. He had given his comfort pencil to Hyunjin, a cheesy gesture to symbolize Seungmin coming with him, even if just through the pencil. "This is super important to him. He's amazing, we all know it, but companies are brutal. This is his dream, you know? It would crush him to get rejected."

"Everything will be okay," Jisung says, finally releasing him. "Like you said, Hyunjin is amazing. It will work out. I know it will."

"Bless your optimistic heart, Han Jisung," Seungmin coos, pinching one of his cheeks. "You calm my soul without even trying."

"Wh—Oh my God, Hyunjin needs to be gone more often." Jisung clings to him again, which he supposes is a natural response to him being even remotely affectionate. "I'm kidding, but like, kind of also not. I miss my Minmin."

It's proven difficult to focus on study period when all he can think about is how Hyunjin is doing. With how he's reacting, it's almost as if _he_ 's the one going on an audition. Hyunjin called him the night before, anxious about whether he's going to do well or not. They spend the night talking about random things until Hyunjin's nerves calm and they bid each other good night.

He focuses on his English workbook, filling in advanced chapters to be able to think of anything other than Hyunjin and the audition. It works well enough—by the time he thinks to check on the time, night study is almost over and Jisung had already long gone. (He was so focused that he didn't even realize Jisung already left.)

He rushes out the door as soon as the clock strikes eleven, grip on his phone tight as he prepares himself to check his messages. Before he could, though, he sees Hyunjin in the distance, his long blonde hair reflecting the light from the streetlamp.

Seungmin squints, tries to see whether he looks happy or not, but it's too dark and he's too blind and nervous that nothing is registering. He rushes forward just as Hyunjin looks up.

His question is answered before he even gets a chance to ask. Hyunjin meets him halfway, throws his arms around Seungmin and hugs him tightly and says, "I made it."

Seungmin holds him, lets him stay in his arms as long as Hyunjin needs. Hyunjin's forehead rests on his shoulder, tears slowly pooling on the fabric of his uniform as he openly weeps.

"You did it, Hyunjin," Seungmin whispers, rubbing soothing strokes down his back. He ignores his own emotions, ignores the tears welling in his own eyes. "You did it. You did so well. I'm so proud of you."

Hyunjin cries harder, trembling in his arms.

In a quiet voice, Hyunjin says, "Thank you, Seungmin."

"For what?"

"Being you."

*

There are things that Seungmin chooses not to acknowledge and just simply ignore. It's easier for him that way, especially when his life has been curated and structured from the moment he was born. There are things he sets aside, pushes to the back of his mind because they threaten to detract from all that he's supposed to do, all the responsibilities hammered into his brain.

His heart tattooing Hyunjin's name against his chest is one of them.

At least, he wants it to be.

*

He's wrapped in a soft plush blanket courtesy of Jisung. He had come over without notice, heading straight for Jisung's house instead of his own. He sent a quick text to his mother on the way, and the Hans have long since been any bit surprised by sudden appearances by Seungmin.

If anything, they welcome him every time.

Jisung says nothing as he Seungmin lies down on his bed, an immobile blanket burrito staring blankly at his off white ceiling. Jisung's room is the least extravagant in his house, much smaller than the other bedrooms.

Jisung unravels his blanket to lie beside him under the covers. Seungmin shifts to lie on his side, the two of them now face to face. Jisung says nothing, but he knows. Seungmin knows that he knows. Soulmate isn't something they call each other for no reason—it's an endearment proven by years of unspoken conversation, of unsaid sentiments still understood.

Today is no different.

Seungmin sighs.

"I want to say something," Jisung whispers, looking into his eyes for permission.

He stares back, lips pressed together in quiet thought. After a beat of silence, he nods.

"If you start feeling things, don't avoid them. You don't have to do anything about them, but allow yourself the emotions."

Seungmin scoots closer, allows himself to be pulled into Jisung's arms. It's always comforting like this, with Jisung by his side. There are fears Seungmin keeps to himself, anxieties to holds deep in his heart that he doesn't dare share. With Jisung, he doesn't have to. He already knows. And that in itself provides him a sense of security.

*

He isn't quite sure how it happens, but it does.

Here's Hyunjin outside of his house, gaping at the large edifice with his eyes wide open. Hyunjin doesn't even notice him, attention still affixed on his house. When he finally registers Seungmin's presence, he points at the building.

"Seungmin, you're rich."

Seungmin shrugs, waiting for Hyunjin by the gate as he just stands staring up at his house. He beckons for him to walk in, but Hyunjin has his feet firmly planted on the ground. Seungmin walks over to tug him in, closing the gate behind him and leading him through the garden and up the stairs toward the front door. Hyunjin stares at everything with curiosity and interest, marveling at the sheer grandeur of his house's outside aesthetics.

With the way Hyunjin is reacting, one would think he's on vacation rather than visiting a friend's house.

"Should I have worn a suit or something? I feel like I should have worn a suit," Hyunjin mutters as he toes his shoes off by the front door, slipping into the pair of slippers Seungmin offers him. "Oh my God, these are more comfortable than my bed."

Seungmin rolls his eyes at the hyperbole, ignoring it in favor of leading him deeper into his home. "This is why I don't invite people over. I'm going to murder Jisung."

"No, I'm—It's okay, really. I guess when I think about it, it makes sense. I should have known when you said you come from a family of lawyers." Hyunjin looks around more, eyeing everything they pass with an almost childlike wonder. "When you said you live in Seongbukdong, I _really_ should have known."

Even he can admit that his house feels overly stilted at times. It's an odd amalgamation of the formalities that come with his father's job and his mother's luxurious indulgences. It's a rather complex combination that should, theoretically, be a discordant mix, but it works somehow. Seungmin briefly thinks that it's a somewhat parallel to his parents' relationship, and he finds it rather funny that their personalities have somehow mingled and incorporated well.

"You don't like people knowing you're rich?" Hyunjin asks, examining the photos hung on the wall.

"I honestly don't care," he says. He hasn't been one to pay attention to his own wealth, which he supposes is the privilege that comes with having it to begin with. His lack of visitors is more due to the fact that he doesn't make friends that would warrant an invitation in the first place. "I have like, two friends."

"Me and Jisung?"

"No, Jisung doesn't count." He leads Hyunjin further into his house, introducing rooms every now and then. Hyunjin stops at every framed photo, cooing at the images of Seungmin's childhood.

"Is it because he's your soulmate?"

Before he can respond, Jisung bursts out of a room, shouting, "Damn right!"

Seungmin rolls his eyes, dismissively waving him away as his parents follow after him. Hyunjin visibly tenses, straightens his posture as soon as he bows deeply in greeting. Seungmin's mother gives him a hug afterwards while his father opts for a stiff handshake. Hyunjin looks so uneasy, and his mother easily picks up on it and encourages them to move to the living room for easier conversation.

Easy, however, is subjective. Seungmin and Jisung are used to the peculiar ambience, but Hyunjin looks even more anxious as they sit down. It's the first time Seungmin has seen Hyunjin sit so upright, and he presses his lips together to keep himself from laughing.

"You can relax, darling," his mom says with a chuckle. "Don't mind this rigid loser." She jabs her thumb in the direction of his father, who looks back at her with a scowl. She ignores it and smiles brightly at Hyunjin, and Seungmin looks in his direction just in time to see the confusion register on his face.

It's his mother who leads the conversation as usual, which eventually leads to Hyunjin finally looking much calmer. He responds politely and eloquently, still a bit tense, but definitely more Hyunjin than before. Seungmin supposes it's to be expected considering she's who he gets his friendly disposition from.

When she excuses herself, however, the room gets much colder and Hyunjin straightens up yet again.

It's interesting when he thinks about it: how differently conversation goes despite having the same intentions. His parents both want to know more about Hyunjin, yet his father makes it sound more like an interview than a conversation like with his mom.

Hyunjin looks relieved, then, when his mom comes back to call them into the dining room for dinner.

*

"How did your parents get together? They seem so different."

They've relocated to his bedroom, which Hyunjin has now dubbed "the studio" because of its comparability to a studio apartment (or so says Hyunjin). Seungmin wouldn't really know if this is accurate or an exaggeration, but he chooses to believe it's the latter. He's walking around, looking through the decorations and displays. He'd like to think his room errs on the minimalistic side, but Hyunjin seems to think otherwise.

"You should ask them next time. Mom loves telling the story and embarrassing the shit out of dad."

Hyunjin takes a seat on his desk chair, groaning as he feels the material. "Oh my God, this is so comfortable. I'd rather sleep on this chair than my own bed, no joke."

Seungmin grimaces at the thought of an uncomfortable bed. Despite being perpetually sleep-deprived, he doesn't think he would be able to survive if his bed didn't provide maximum comfort for the small amount of sleep he does manage to get for himself. It's one of those luxuries that he genuinely cares about—rest is so hard to come by, so it _must_ be the most optimal as possible for when it's available.

"Are you close with your parents?" Hyunjin asks, pushing the chair to stroll closer toward where Seungmin sits on his bed. "You seem to have a good relationship."

"Not really?" Seungmin hugs a pillow to his chest, shrugging his shoulders. "On the surface, I guess we are. They love me, I love them. They provide for me. They do what all parents do. Would I seek them out for support? Not really. Jisung is closer to my mother than I am."

Hyunjin joins Seungmin on his bed, looking like he's ready to fall asleep as soon as his back hits the mattress. "Why is that?"

"I think it's easier to be friends with parents who aren't yours. Then again, maybe it's just me. It's from how I've been raised, I think. My family has always encouraged me to be self-sufficient and independent, to never need anyone other than myself. It's weird, honestly. It's always been something that mom and dad disagree about. Mom is a human rights lawyer, dad is a corporate lawyer; they have fundamental differences that affect their parenting styles."

"Seriously, how did they fall in love?"

Seungmin laughs and lies down beside him, still hugging his pillow. "They make up for each other's differences, help each other see different perspectives. They help each other grow, you know? Even now, they still learn a lot from each other."

"That's really beautiful." Hyunjin sighs, pulling one of the plush animals on his bed into his arms. "Cliché as it is, opposites do attract, huh?"

"I mean, clichés are clichés for a reason. Still, though, it's all dependent on the individual, isn't it? If you're willing to grow with each other and learn from each other, then yeah, opposites can attract."

Hyunjin agrees with a hum and a small nod. "It must be nice to be in love. I mean, when it goes right, at least."

Seungmin pauses, stares up at his ceiling with his lips pressed into a thin tight line. Feelings. Love. Things he's pushed out of his thoughts in favor of focusing on all he's supposed to do.

All he manages to say is a quiet "yeah" that he doesn't think Hyunjin even hears. Jisung's voice permeates through his thoughts. _Don't avoid them_.

It's a good thing there isn't anything to avoid, right?

Then he looks over at Hyunjin, who finally succumbs to the calls of sleep. He looks peaceful like this, free from all the stress that's only doubled since his acceptance into the company of his dreams. There's a small smile on his lips, one that brings a smile to Seungmin's own.

It's at this moment that he knows for sure, confirms a thought that's been lingering in the back of his mind. It's one on a long list of things that he's chosen to ignore, chosen to shove in the back of his mind to focus on the path laid out in front of him.

Seungmin is a damn good liar—especially when it comes to lying to himself.

*

As it turns out, nothing really changes after he acknowledges what his heart says about Hyunjin. He had been so concerned about Hyunjin as a potential detractor that he forgets that he's Kim Seungmin—responsible, disciplined Kim Seungmin who only goes astray should he so choose to.

If anything, it motivates him.

Relentless Hyunjin, through effort and hard work and perseverance, has stepped closer toward his dream. He's wonderful and inspiring, an icon of dedication. It sparks something in Seungmin that he's never felt before.

Something like… passion? Is this what passion feels like? Has he finally found his fire?

Seungmin thinks so.

And he has Hyunjin to thank for that.

*

"I'm outside."

"What do you mean you're outside?"

"I mean I'm outside. Come out to your balcony."

Seungmin obliges, sliding the door open and stepping into the cold air. True enough, Hyunjin is downstairs, holding up a plastic bag filled with what he assumes are snacks from the convenience store down the street.

"What are you doing here?"

"Do you maybe want to let me in first?" Hyunjin waves at him from the distance. "It's really cold out here."

"Right, yeah, wait—" Seungmin doesn't hang up as he rushes down to greet him, bringing a hand warmer along with him that he hands over as soon as Hyunjin walks through the gate. He pockets his phone when Hyunjin ends their call, taking the hand warmer but not until after he gives Seungmin a tight hug.

"Not that I don't want you here or anything," Seungmin says as he hangs Hyunjin's coat in the closet, "but why are you here? It's a school night."

"For you," Hyunjin singsongs. He had officially dropped out of school the week before and has been dedicating all of his time toward training. "For me, it's just a regular weeknight."

Seungmin rolls his eyes as they walk up toward his room. Hyunjin has been over a decent amount of times that he's already begun feeling comfortable. Surprisingly, he even finds Hyunjin and his dad deep in conversation sometimes. They seem to get along rather well, arguably even better than Seungmin and his dad do. He isn't complaining though—it's more that he's in awe.

"Anyway," Hyunjin says as he jumps into his bed, reaching for one of his plushies, "I'm here because Jisung called me and said the suneung stress is finally getting to you. I have come to rescue you from aforementioned stress and grace you with my ever so lovable presence."

Seungmin rolls his eyes again, though the smile on his face pretty much shows how he truly feels about the gesture. The moment November came, Seungmin has been more focused than ever. He's foregone any sort of distraction, taking practice exams and simulating suneung day every chance he gets.

With exam day already in a couple of days, his stress levels are higher than usual. Even Jisung, who doesn't really succumb to the pressures of South Korea's educational demands, feels himself getting stressed over it.

"I had a dream that I failed," Seungmin says as he paces back and forth. "It was horrible. I actually woke up in tears."

"Now that you've said it out loud, it's not going to happen," Hyunjin quickly answers. There's a cheeky smile on his face that Seungmin would usually respond well to, but today is different. He can only sigh.

"Okay, seriously," Hyunjin continues, rising to his feet to grab Seungmin by the shoulders. "Seungmin, you've been preparing for this exam _religiously_ since you were like, what, three? The only chance of you failing is if you don't give yourself time to rest. You know better than any of us how much exhaustion can affect your performance. You literally lectured me about it just last week."

Seungmin sighs heavily, allows his head to fall and rest on Hyunjin's shoulder. Hyunjin pulls him into his arms and pats him lightly on the back. "There, there," Hyunjin says, "You'll be within the top two percent at the very least, but I have full confidence you'll be within, like, the top fifty of all students in the country."

"No, stop," Seungmin whines. "I'm not _that_ good. You know who would be if he only put in the same amount of effort I did? Han Jisung. The boy's a genius and it's frustrating."

"Are you kidding me?" Hyunjin pulls away to look him in the eye. "Seungmin, _you're_ a genius. That plus your dedication to studying? Amazing scores guaranteed. You've never scored less than 97 on any of your schoolwork. Trust me, you'll do great."

It takes a lot more of Hyunjin's pep talk before Seungmin finally calms down and acknowledges his own skill and hard work. Hyunjin forces him to take the night off to relax and reset, though Seungmin was more than willing to do it already from the get go.

They spend the rest of the night just talking about anything and everything, a much needed respite he wouldn't have if not for the people who care about him.

"Thanks, Hyunjin," he says as their night comes to a close.

"Anytime," Hyunjin says, hand in his under the warmth of the covers.

*

It was brutal.

Just stories about the exam are terrifying enough, but the actual thing is much _much_ worse.

Even the most confident students fall victim to the pressure, crack under the tension that becomes a permanence in the air throughout the entire day. Seungmin thinks the dead silence makes things worse, because all you can hear are pens on paper, your heartbeat, and the dreadful voice in your head reminding you that your entire life depends on this exam.

So when Jisung suggests they hang out and celebrate after the exam, Seungmin is more than willing.

*

"You're free," Hyunjin says as they walk under the stars. They had just left Jisung's house, deciding to take the long way home to pass by a small playground that he used to frequent in his childhood. "You made it."

"Sort of," Seungmin says, more bright now that the exam is finally over and done with. He takes one of the swings and kicks off lightly, enjoying the breeze that kisses his skin. "I still have to wait for my results."

"Do you still doubt yourself?"

Seungmin laughs, shaking his head. "No, I'm actually pretty confident that I did well. You were right—the only chance I would fail was if I risked exhaustion and made myself more susceptible to making mistakes."

"See? You should always listen to Hyunjin. Hyunjin knows best!"

They laugh together for a brief moment before allowing the silence to take over, It's a peaceful night, just as quiet as the rest of the day had been. The stars that dot the sky twinkle as he looks up, almost like they're greeting him, congratulating him for today's feat.

Looking at the stars always makes him feel nostalgic for some reason, and he finds himself thinking back to times in his childhood when all he knew was studying and nothing else. Then Jisung came along and pulled him into a different world, one that functioned much like his own, yet was filled with much more color than he ever thought possible.

It had been just himself and Jisung for a long time.

"Did I ever tell you about my friend Jeongin?" Seungmin asks, breaking the quiet. "It used to be three of us—me, Jisung, and Jeongin. They were both so loud and they bickered all the time that it drove me insane."

Hyunjin chuckles, looking over at him fondly. "I can imagine."

"He's in Busan now, which is why we don't really get to talk much. He's like our missing third, as cheesy as that sounds."

"It's cute." Hyunjin grins at him before following his gaze toward the sky. "I'd love to meet him."

"You would love him! He's so much fun to annoy. You'd be surprised how different I become when I'm around him."

"Now I _really_ want to meet him."

"Sorry if that was random. Being here reminds me of the time Jisung and I got into a fight over garlic bread because of him." Seungmin swings again, taking in a deep breath as the memory plays in his mind. They couldn't have been older than eight, little children yelling at each other because they dropped their garlic bread after fighting over who gets to take the last bite. It was silly, just your typical childish conflict, but it was something that cemented it in his heart that he and Jisung were going to be friends for life.

"It was really silly," Seungmin recalls fondly. "We were so angry with each other and fought over that remaining piece of bread. It turns out we both wanted it to give to Jeongin, because we found out he was sad he went to a different school than us."

"That absolutely sounds like you two."

When he looks over at Hyunjin, he's already staring back at him. He feels his heart beat faster, his face warm despite the cold winter air. Hyunjin chuckles softly, different from his usual laugh, but still wonderfully Hyunjin.

"Can you believe it's only been a couple of months since we've met?"

"Has it? It feels so much longer than that." Another laugh. Another skip in Seungmin's heartbeat.

"You know, sometimes I think about that day I walked in on you in that empty room," Seungmin continues, allowing himself to wallow in the wistfulness that overcomes him, to lean into the emotions that are now driving his every word. "I saw you on my way to my meeting, actually. I was surprised when I saw that you were still there when I came back. I figured you would have left already by then, but no, you were still there."

"Why did you decide to come in?" Hyunjin asks, leaning against the chain of the swing. "I've always been curious."

"Honestly? I don't even know myself. It confused me for a while too," Seungmin admits, gaze landing on the trees in the distance. "It's not really like me to go out of my way to offer someone help, you know? I do when I'm asked, but I don't really offer. Jisung was surprised too—that's why he made a big deal out of it when word got around that we were acquainted."

"You're not confused anymore?"

His lips curl upwards as he shakes his head. "No, not anymore," he says, looking over at Hyunjin once again. "As time passed, I stopped wondering. And the more I got to know you, the more I realized that some things don't really need reasons or explanations. Some things, you just do because it feels right to do it."

"Like scare the shit out of me while I was too focused on my homework to notice you were right there?"

"Exactly!"

Their laughter fills the playground, a harmony unique to them. Hyunjin joins him in recounting their memories, thinking of all they've been through in the relatively short time they've known each other. They've already made so many memories, precious memories that Seungmin holds dear in his heart.

They get lost in them, lose track of time until Seungmin's mom calls to ask where he is. They'd left Jisung's hours ago, and Seungmin lives not even ten minutes away. Hyunjin stays over the night, his mom insisting that it's too late for him to be traveling alone by himself. Not that Hyunjin would really truly say no to sleeping in his bed, really. It's his favorite part of the entire house, not including the basement that's set up almost like a mini dance studio.

They reminisce even well into the night, ignoring the fact that they both have to be awake in just a couple of hours.

Seungmin doesn't really care—not when Hyunjin's head is resting on his shoulder, playing with Seungmin's fingers as he recounts the day of his audition and Seungmin's stupid pretentious pencil actually helped calm his nerves; not when Hyunjin slowly starts drifting off in his arms as the sun slowly starts to peek through his curtains.

And certainly not when he hears Hyunjin talk in his sleep, calls his name with the softest smile on his lips.

*

There are things that Seungmin chooses not to acknowledge and just simply ignore. It's easier for him that way, especially when his life has been curated and structured from the moment he was born. There are things he sets aside, pushes to the back of his mind because they threaten to detract from all that he's supposed to do, all the responsibilities hammered into his brain.

Being in love with Hyunjin isn't one of them.


	2. is to be next to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Seungmin does the only thing he can think to do.
> 
> He lies beside him and holds his hand. A wordless message.
> 
> I'm here for you.

"I mean, yeah, shit's hard, but what can I do? I chose this for myself."

Seungmin sighs as he watches Hyunjin smile sadly on the phone. He's propped Hyunjin up against one of his books as he sits in the campus Starbucks during his break. It's one of the few times that their breaks align, and they promised to Facetime each other to make up for not being able to hang out as frequently as they would like to.

They somehow made it happen—Hyunjin in the company in Hongdae, Seungmin in Yonsei—but it's nothing at all like they would have hoped. They figured close proximity would allow them a higher probability of spending time together, but they're soon met with the cold reality that their schedules won't be as in sync as they used to be. Sure, Seungmin isn't as stuck to his textbooks as he used to be, but Hyunjin's schedule becomes much more constrained because of his much more demanding training.

They make do with what they can, though, even that means squeezing in fifteen-minute Facetime calls during their breaks.

"The offer still stands—I'll buy the entire team if you want me to." Seungmin is joking of course. Kind of. He would seriously consider it if Hyunjin ever asked, and his father's affinity toward Hyunjin has Seungmin convinced he would be more than willing to do so as well.

"I'll think about it," Hyunjin replies with a roll of his eyes. "They'll probably hate me for that, though."

Hyunjin's been having a difficult time lately, and Seungmin can see it on his face no matter how many times he tries to hide it behind his smile. Being an idol trainee has always been notorious for arduous schedules and demands, but Seungmin never really thought being trained as part of a dance team would be just as toxic.

Seungmin hates seeing him like this—hates the toll it's taking on every facet of Hyunjin's health. But this is Hyunjin's dream, one he worked tirelessly for all his life. And as long as Hyunjin says that this is what he wants, that he still wants to go down this path, Seungmin will support him as best as he possibly can.

"How are your classes so far?" Hyunjin changes the subject, a more genuine smile on his face this time. "I assume since it's university-level, it's much more difficult than the material you've been studying up until now."

"Not really, actually. The material itself isn't too difficult, at least for now. It's my seniors that are difficult, if we're being honest."

Hyunjin laughs softly, muffled by his hand covering his mouth. "Really? Do tell."

"You know how these things go—the insanity during welcome parties is really a sight to behold. They're not as strict with force-feeding you bowls of soju nowadays, but it's still the best way to get into their good graces. It never stops. Sometimes I just want to sleep, you know? I've been sleep-deprived my entire life! I would very much like to make up for all those lost hours."

Hyunjin laughs louder this time, and he's glad to hear it. "Don't people drink to celebrate the fact that they made it through over a decade of dedicated studying?"

"They do! And good for them! I personally would like to celebrate by actually getting my money's worth on my bed."

"Okay, fair, that's a very valid way to celebrate and—oh wait, let me just—" Hyunjin quickly rises to his feet, bowing deeply and greeting whoever had just walked in before rushing someplace else. It leaves a bitter taste on Seungmin's tongue, but he makes sure his displeasure leaves no trace on his face. "Sorry, a sunbae walked in to use the room."

"No worries," Seungmin says with a contrived smile.

They proceed with anecdotes about Seungmin's experience thus far, relaying stories about Jisung and Felix since the three of them have begun spending a lot of time together. They continue talking as Seungmin heads toward his next class building, and saying their goodbyes when it's finally time for Seungmin to go.

He won't lie—he misses Hyunjin.

But it's okay. They both have goals they strive for, and they'll keep going no matter what.

*

He loves Jisung. He really does. They're soulmates. Best friends. Partners in crime for life.

He would do anything for him, no questions asked.

Seungmin never really thought there would ever be a line when it comes to things he would do for Jisung, but life is funny like that. It catches you by surprise when you least expect it, and all you can do is accept your fate or drive yourself crazy wishing for another outcome.

"Ji, this is way beyond my paygrade," Seungmin mutters, examining the piece of paper Jisung has shoved in his hands. "You know I would do anything for you, but this is probably going to be the first and hopefully only exception."

"But why?" Jisung pouts at him in that typical Jisung way—face all scrunched up, air blown into his cheeks, eyes shining in a way that makes it look like galaxies are in his irises.

Bastard. He knows his strengths and uses them well. Seungmin can only sigh and shake his head.

"First of all, why me? Second of all, why the fuck me?"

Jisung deadpans at him, hands resting on his hips. "What the fuck do you mean 'why you'? Because you're you, and you have the voice of an angel!"

"See, that's where you're wrong." Seungmin neatly places the sheet of paper on the table, sliding it back toward him. "Your biases favoring me, while absolutely appreciated, shouldn't influence your choice of a duet partner for a public performance."

"Min, it's not a bias; it's an absolute fact. If Calliope were a man, his name would be Kim Seungmin."

His sigh gets louder as he lets his back hit his seat. Their bedroom concerts are one thing, but a performance on an actual stage in front of a live audience is one gigantic leap that Seungmin hasn't ever considered. If it were any other person, he would have already explicitly said no from the beginning. Jisung knows this—that's why he's still insisting.

Before he could say more, Felix arrives with their drinks.

" _Please_ help me convince him to sing with me for the event," Jisung says to Felix. Poor Felix turns pink as he becomes the recipient of Jisung's pout, clearing his throat and looking toward Seungmin to avoid his gaze.

"I don't really have much power here." Felix chuckles, picking up the sheet music on the table. "If _you_ don't manage to convince him, I doubt anyone else could."

Suddenly, a mischievous grin spreads across Jisung's face. "Oho!" he exclaims, snapping his fingers. "I don't think that's true at all. There are two other people who would be able to convince him, and I'm not above calling them to make it happen."

"No," Seungmin says flatly, rubbing at his temples. "No, Jisung, do _not_ bother Jeongin with this right now. Do you know how stressed he's been because of his suneung prep? Leave him alone if you know what's good for you."

"My dearest soulmate, my lovely best friend in the entire world…" A shiver runs up Seungmin's spine at the way Jisung is looking at him. "Jeongin wasn't even my first choice."

Recognition registers on Felix's face, and he begins to join Jisung in grinning at him. It's absolutely terrifying how in sync they are, and Seungmin is beginning to regret agreeing to this hangout.

"He's not going to do it if you ask him," Felix then tells Jisung, "but I'm more than happy to mention it when I call him tonight."

"Good God," Seungmin groans, rubbing his temples harder. "Please tell me you're not going to bring this up to Hyunjin. This really isn’t something to be bothering him about right now."

"Oh no." Felix's smile dissolves into a worried frown. "What happened?"

Seungmin can't fight his own frown as he thinks of all that Hyunjin has confided in him over the past couple of months. Felix and Hyunjin made up not long after the conversation they had about their relationship, but the compromise they reached isn't necessarily what Seungmin had in mind when he suggested it. He was hoping they would come to an agreement similar to the one Jisung and Seungmin had, but they ultimately decided on a different route.

Hyunjin's training has since been banned as a topic of conversation between them.

This is why—despite the two of them being best friends—it's Seungmin who hears about his progress, about the ups and downs of his training, about the stresses and hardships he faces with his new team. Hyunjin insists that it's working for them—they're able to converse again and do everything they used to, except that there's very little left to say when Hyunjin's entire life right now _is_ training.

He can see different emotions flash across Felix's face, but what it eventually settles on is sad. Jisung sees it, is quick to pull Felix into his arms to comfort him as Felix expels a loud sigh.

Seungmin wants to say something—wants to let Felix know what _he_ does about Hyunjin's situation, but it's not Seungmin's story to tell. So instead of divulging, he summarizes with three words that tells Felix all that he really needs to know:

"He needs you."

Felix looks at him with a small smile, giving him a slow nod in response. At the end of the day, there's only so much Seungmin can do. Hyunjin needs his best friend, and he can see it in Felix's eyes that he wants to be there.

What best friend _wouldn't_ want to share in your dreams and passions?

*

Later that night, he receives messages from both Felix and Hyunjin.

 _Thank you_.

*

Seungmin finds it absolutely ironic that he's more tired now than he ever was in the years he dedicated toward studying for the suneung. He has had over a decade of sleepless nights, of nonstop reading and writing, and it's almost like his body is now demanding the rest it barely had during that time.

He can barely keep his eyes open in lecture, finding himself nodding off the longer he sits in his class. He imagines his bed, imagines his plush blankets swallowing him whole as he indulges in glorious sleep. He sighs. Maybe he should consider renting a place near campus for the sole purpose of being able to nap between classes.

Then again, he supposes it doesn't matter much when he already sleeps in class anyway. He truly is embodying the college student role, minus the constant drinking. He'll leave that to Jisung.

He bows to the professor on his way out, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he walks. The fatigue surely is something else. Maybe it's aging. His teenage years are soon to be put behind him after all.

"You look like death."

Seungmin looks up, startled by the all too familiar voice that greets him. He doesn't expect to see him for at least another couple of days, but there Hyunjin is, waiting for him by the entrance of the building looking as effervescent as ever.

He walks over with quick steps, and Hyunjin immediately wraps his arms around him without a moment's hesitation. It's strange how quickly all the fatigue melts away at the sound of Hyunjin's voice, even more so now as Hyunjin hugs him tightly.

It's concerning to him though. It almost feels like there's a desperation in the way he holds onto Seungmin, a quiet cry that tells Seungmin something probably happened with his team yet again. He chooses not to say anything, instead just holds Hyunjin's hand as they walk to his car.

Hyunjin's silence says everything.

He sinks into the seat as soon as they get into the car and reaches for Seungmin's hand again. He squeezes it, grips onto it so tightly that Seungmin's hand starts going numb. He doesn't mind, though. If it will provide Hyunjin even just a little bit of solace, he doesn't mind at all. Hell, he'd cut it off it he has to; he doesn't need two hands if it could take any of Hyunjin's pain away.

They stay like that for a while. They don't leave until Hyunjin finally releases his hand and thanks him for allowing him the comfort.

It's a fifteen-minute drive from the parking lot to his house, and it's a ride they take in silence. Hyunjin takes control of the music, and the sad ballads he chooses to listen to do little to assuage his concerns; if anything, they heighten. Hyunjin is too bright of a star to be this grim, and it makes Seungmin want to destroy everything that dares to dim his light.

His mother already knows something's off from the moment they step inside. They share a meaningful look, and his mother nods in understanding. Hyunjin and Seungmin head straight to his room, where Hyunjin immediately crawls under the covers as soon as he walks in.

He hates seeing Hyunjin like this, hates how sad and small he looks like this. Hyunjin is curled into a ball under his blanket, just a lump beneath the sheets. Seungmin isn't sure what to do when Hyunjin is like this.

Should he call Felix? Seungmin would always want Jisung by his side if it were him, but Hyunjin specifically came to him. He waited outside Seungmin's building for him for who knows how long.

So Seungmin does the only thing he can think to do.

He lies beside him and holds his hand. A wordless message.

_I'm here for you._

Hyunjin squeezes his hand the same way he did in the car, tightly as thought afraid he'd let go. Hyunjin is facing away from him, legs pulled toward his chest. The sound of his sniffling effectively breaks Seungmin's heart.

He's frustrated he can't do anything other than this—other than lie here beside him and hold his hand. He wishes he could do more, like take his pain away or go through his hardships for him.

They stay like that until Hyunjin lets go and thanks him with a tearful and pained smile.

*

He spoke too soon when he said things weren't too difficult. As the semester progresses, the material becomes increasingly complicated. It's nothing at all like what he's learned to do over the years, and he gets increasingly frustrated by the contrast.

Seungmin is staring at his notes, all the words starting to blur on the page. He's never been like this before, never struggled with studying like this. Why now? It doesn't make any sense to him.

He groans, forehead resting on his book. He really wants to cry.

Then Jisung suddenly bursts through the door with a box of pizza and bottles of soju, loudly declaring his arrival with the song he wants them to duet for an event in his university. Seungmin raises his head, and his tears fall as soon as their eyes meet.

Jisung's eyes widen in panic, hurriedly setting everything down on the floor before rushing toward Seungmin. He wraps his arms around him, which only makes Seungmin cry even harder out of sheer frustration.

"Oh my God, I know you missed me, but like, there's no need to cry," Jisung jokes. It brings a smile to Seungmin's lips, and Jisung continues with his quips until Seungmin is half-laughing-half-crying in Jisung's arms.

To distract him, Jisung starts telling him stories, updating him about what's happened since the last time they spoke. Studying in Hongik seems to be a really fun time based on Jisung's stories. Of all he's said, however, one particular topic catches his attention.

Felix.

And it's the topic Jisung seems to enjoy talking about the most.

Seungmin listens intently as Jisung tells him about how their relationship has been progressing. Jisung doesn't really tell him things until they're serious—until there's something to actually tell. The way he speaks about Felix is so different from anything Seungmin is used to.

There's a different glint in his eyes, a genuine mirth on his face the more he talks about Felix. Seungmin knew from the start that Jisung had a crush on him back during their high school days, finding a chance to spend time with him once Seungmin and Hyunjin got acquainted.

Much like how Jisung teased him about Hyunjin, Seungmin did the same to him about Felix. They kept it at that until they were ready to say more.

Jisung didn't tell him they were testing the waters until after graduation, but he knew. He always does. That's the thing about him and Jisung—words can be left unspoken; they just understand each other beyond what's said.

So when Seungmin finally expresses his own frustrations, tells Jisung about how he feels and the impostor syndrome weighing heavily on his shoulders, it doesn't really come as a surprise. He comforts Seungmin like he always does, and they fall asleep on the floor in the middle of conversation like they used to in their childhood.

*

Seungmin thinks Jisung and Felix are meant to be. Not only are they always perfectly in sync with each other, but he now finds out that they were born only a day apart. This then also means that Jisung's lavish birthday party this year will now welcome Felix as a main character as well.

To Felix, though, it's something else entirely.

"Seungmin, help," he cries, clinging onto his arm. It really is uncanny how similar he is to Jisung sometimes. He's going to need them to take one of his arms each considering how often this particular habit happens nowadays. "I'm kind of freaking out."

"I can see that," Seungmin says plainly, looking over at him as Felix stares at him with puppy-dog eyes. "What about though?"

"Jisung's birthday!"

"Yes, I figured, but what exactly about his birthday?"

Felix pulls away, looking down at his hands as he begins to fidget with the hem of his shirt. "I've never been to his house before. It's making me really nervous. What if his parents don't like me?"

"Really? Oh right! You couldn't come when the three of us celebrated after suneung." It was an impromptu decision, one that led to a lot of noise that could have disrupted the whole neighborhood if not for their entertainment room being meticulously soundproofed. They invited both Hyunjin and Felix, but Felix's family already had plans.

"I don't think you have much to worry about," Seungmin continues. "Auntie and uncle are incredibly warm people. Jisung and I don't really make friends very often, so they welcome everyone we introduce with open arms. They treat everyone like their own kids."

Felix looks so troubled as he plays with his fingers. He's deep in thought, losing himself in quiet thought. It takes a while for the lightbulb in Seungmin's head to illuminate. And when it does, when the realization comes, he mentally slaps himself.

 _Of course he's nervous, dumbass. He's meeting his boyfriend's parents for the first time_.

"I'm not well-versed in this kind of thing, so I can't offer you much other than reassurance that you being you will win them over immediately. They're wonderful people." Seungmin gives him a pat on the back. "They're really friendly. Trust me, if you go to Jisung's then my house, you'll feel the difference as soon as you walk through the door."

Felix looks up with a small smile. "I do recall Hyunjin talking about how incredibly formal it feels in your house."

Seungmin wrinkles his nose as he thinks back to the first time Hyunjin came over. He was like a child visiting a theme park for the first time—in awe of everything, looking at everything curiously. He stopped at every framed picture, every piece of decoration. He scanned through everything he could.

"I think it will always be more nerve-racking meeting a boyfriend's parents than it is meeting a friend's, but I assure you as someone who's known that idiot for practically our entire lives that they're going to love you."

"I really hope so. Jisung is my first boyfriend, so I'm new to all of this. I really hope I leave a good first impression."

Seungmin really doesn't think there's anything to worry about. And once the night of the party finally comes, he's proven to be right.

Jisung's parents coo at Felix immediately. They fawn over him and adore him, compliment his freckles and his smile. All the nerves Felix was agonizing over leading up to tonight visibly dissipate as he falls into easy conversation with Jisung's parents.

"Disgusting," Hyunjin remarks, nodding in the direction of Felix and Jisung. "The rest of the world has ceased to exist to the two of them."

Seungmin laughs, nodding as he grabs a bag of chips to share with Hyunjin. "I have never seen Jisung like this, honestly. That's what happens when you really like someone, I guess. New sides come out. I'm happy he's happy, though. He deserves it."

"I get it," Hyunjin says. "Felix has always been adorable, but there's something different about him when he's with Jisung. He's a lot happier, and I really love that for him."

Seungmin has always thought that he and Hyunjin are both alike and different in a way. It's rather ambiguous when he thinks about it deeply, but if there's one thing that is absolutely certain, it's that they both love their best friends deeply.

"I wish I could do more for Ji," Seungmin whispers, smiling in the couple's direction. "He's always there for me when I’m feeling distraught or when my thoughts are all a mess. He's taken care of me all this time, but it makes me wonder if I've done enough for him. Like just recently, he came over with pizza and soju right as I was getting frustrated by my schoolwork."

Hyunjin offers him a smile. "Just based on experience, you being there is more than enough. I told you this back then too—you have no idea how much of a profound effect your presence has on people. I don't know how to explain it, but i's absolutely comforting being around you."

Before they could continue their conversation, Jisung pulls them both away and they get dragged toward the entertainment room. Seungmin gulps as he sees the soju bottles lined up on the table.

It's going to be a _long_ night.

*

Hyunjin keeps giggling, and it does things to Seungmin's heart. Not that Hyunjin doesn't already have that effect on him to begin with—he does. But when he sounds so carefree like this, freed from his daily stresses even if just for that moment, Seungmin feels everything in his heart.

"You're a funny drunk," Seungmin says, amused as Hyunjin grabs his hand and swings them as he unstably marches forward. Seungmin ends up holding his hand even tighter, and Hyunjin (again) starts giggling. "A funny and giggly drunk."

Jisung and Hyunjin got unnecessarily competitive over who can outdrink the other—resulting in a shot-for-shot death match that Seungmin and Felix could only watch in a mix of distaste and disgust. It's absolutely juvenile how it even started.

( _"I bet I can drink more than you," says Hyunjin._

_Jisung scoffs. "How fucking dare you? On my birthday? Shot-for-shot. Now."_

_"Prepare to lose on your own birthday, Han."_ )

Needless to say, no one wins. Hyunjin and Jisung pass out at the same time, and Felix and Seungmin are left to clean up the mess. And by mess, they mean Hyunjin and Jisung.

So Seungmin decided to take Hyunjin home while Felix stayed to take care of Jisung.

Hyunjin, however, refuses to simply go home. He insists on going on a walk, on feeling the autumn night air. And Seungmin, who has grown increasingly weak for anything Hyunjin, obliged without much thought.

They eventually find themselves at a pojangmacha after Hyunjin says he wants to eat. He isn't really surprised when Hyunjin gets himself more soju along with his tteokbokki, but he _is_ surprised by the amount he's still drinking.

To say Seungmin is concerned is an understatement. He knows how much pressure Hyunjin is under, how difficult his training is as the new kid on the team. He doesn't explicitly tell him what happens, but the amount of times he's called Seungmin in tears to ask if he should just give up and quit tells him all he needs to know.

"I want to tell you something," Hyunjin singsongs as shoves a piece of tteok in his mouth. His slips stretch into a lazy smile. "I'm gonna say it!"

"Okay, Hyunjin, say it," he encourages with a soft laugh.

"You know," he begins to say, drawing out the last syllabus as he traces the rim of the soju glass. "You know you can confide in me too, right?"

Seungmin frowns, his eyebrows creasing as Hyunjin begins to ramble. He tells Seungmin about how surprised he was that Seungmin was going through a hard time and he didn't know. He tells him how he wishes Seungmin would trust him with his thoughts and feelings too.

"You're always there for me; I want to be there for you too."

It's not like he doesn't trust Hyunjin. He does. But Seungmin has never been good at reaching out, never been adept at seeking others when he's going to a hard time. He's been raised to be self-sufficient—to depend on only himself when he's in a dark place.

He doesn't even reach out to Jisung.

Jisung just knows exactly when to show up, as if he had some sort of Seungmin radar that goes off every time he's starting to spiral. It's an uncanny ability, one that he likes to attribute to them being soulmates and all. Perhaps it's that, perhaps Jisung just always has amazing timing.

Whatever it the reason, it happens mostly as a coincidence.

Seungmin has never been one to ask for help; he only accepts what he's offered.

And as if Hyunjin could read his mind, he adds, "I wish I could have Jisung's Seungmin radar. I wish you could learn to rely on me too. I never know what you're thinking, you know? You're so hard to read sometimes."

Seungmin parts his lips to say something, but before any words come out, Hyunjin cuts him off by changing the subject.

*

"Jisung always says I'm hard to get to know," Seungmin starts to say. He has Hyunjin on his back as he walks towards Hyunjin's apartment. He doesn't know if Hyunjin can hear him, but he keeps talking anyway. "I'm sorry, Hyunjin. I didn't realize you were thinking like this."

The rest of the walk is silent until they get to the building. Seungmin keys in the code, leads Hyunjin to the bathroom so he can at least brush his teeth before completely passing out. Hyunjin smiles at him, eyes still half-closed, leaning on him to stand upright.

"Min, can you stay?"

"As long as you need me to."

Hyunjin grins. "Guess you're never leaving."

"That's completely fine with me."

Seungmin sends his mom a message to let her know before raiding Hyunjin's closet for something they can both change into. When they've finished getting ready, they lie together in Hyunjin's bed.

"You should've brought your mattress," Hyunjin forces through a yawn. "Your bed is so much comfier."

Seungmin laughs. "How about I gift you a new mattress?"

"Nah," Hyunjin whispers, snuggling up to him. "I need the excuse to come over and sleep in your bed. The Seungmin bed that smells like Seungmin. Have I ever told you that you have a Seungmin smell?"

"Go to sleep, Hyunjin."

Hyunjin merely hums as he closes his eyes. Seungmin catches sight of a framed picture of the two of them on Hyunjin's desk before he closes his.

*

When Seungmin wakes up, he's already in a panic.

He thought the apartment was on fire. As it turns out, it was just Hyunjin's cooking. If it can be considered cooking at all.

"I don't know what happened," Hyunjin mutters, pouting as he's forced to sit by the counter. "I swear I looked away for like two seconds."

Seungmin deadpans at him as he raises the frying pan, a charcoal black lump glued to its surface. He doesn't even know what food this is supposed to be. Is this an egg? A sausage? Hyunjin says nothing to save his pride.

"Hyunjin, you have no food." Seungmin examines his fridge, frowning at the lack of groceries. He supposes it's not unlikely considering Hyunjin's schedule. Any time he has away from the studio is probably spent on stress relief rather than grocery shopping. It's too bad Hyunjin isn't one of those people who find grocery shopping therapeutic.

With the last of the food burnt on the pan, Seungmin opts to order for them instead. He makes a mental note to ask his mom what kind of stuff he can get to fill Hyunjin's fridge. Maybe microwaveable stuff? Something instant and premade? He doesn’t trust Hyunjin to be able to cook himself anything edible.

"Hey Seungmin," Hyunjin calls out as Seungmin looks through the food delivery app for open places. "I'm sorry for being such a mess last night. I drank my stress away, but ended up saying shit as a result."

"When are you not a mess, though?" Seungmin teases, earning him a loud "Hey!" and a pout. "I'm kidding. It's okay, though. If anything, _I'm_ sorry. I know I'm a bit difficult, but I'm going to try to change that."

"No!" Hyunjin's eyes widen, his voice loud and alarmed. "No, please, it was an immature drunk ramble. You're good the way you are, I promise. It's just that we still don't know each other completely, you know? There's still a lot we have to learn about each other."

"Your feelings are valid, though. If you're upset, you're upset. I'll do something on my end to hopefully lessen the feelings and doubts you feel, okay?"

"Oh my God, Seungmin." Hyunjin walks over, pulls him into his arms. "Seungmin, please, it's really okay. I was emotional and drunk—I like you the way you are."

Seungmin sighs. They can spend an entire day going back and forth like this, so Seungmin chooses to end it here. Hyunjin can be just as stubborn as Seungmin when it comes to these kinds of things.

So he opts to change the subject, hands Hyunjin his phone so he can pick something to eat. 

*

"And yeah, that was the end of that."

"I mean," Jisung says, lying on his stomach on Seungmin's bed. "Yeah? You're pretty hard to get to know."

"Oh wow, thanks Ji, that helps."

Seungmin tells Jisung of what happened as soon as he left Hyunjin's apartment that afternoon. Jisung, the ever the dependable best friend, meets him at home almost immediately.

"Okay, no, I just mean that you were raised that way, you know?" Jisung clarifies with a shrug. "And the people you've let in haven't really given you any reason to change, nor do we want you to. You are the way you are, and we love you for it.

"I accept you as you are," he continues, shifting to lie on his side and face Seungmin, who's sitting on his desk chair. "Hyunjin does too. It sounds to me like he wants to get to know you as you are, learn all about Kim Seungmin. Though, unfortunately, he would never match up to my level. I mean, he can come close, but—"

"Nope," Seungmin cuts him off, wrinkling his nose at him. "Not listening to this after you've _replaced_ me with Felix."

Jisung gasps, offended. "How dare you! I have not replaced you with Felix!"

"Yes, you have!"

"Absolutely not!" Jisung looks at him, any hint of mischief missing from his face. "Kim Seungmin, are you kidding me? There's no replacing you. Ever. I mean, yeah, I have Felix and I love him more than words could say, but you and I are always going to be on a completely different level. Nothing will ever compare to the bond we share."

Seungmin was only joking. He knows all this, of course, but the way Jisung immediately goes serious tugs at his heartstrings so much that he feels like crying. His thoughts fill with different ways to express his gratitude, to tell Jisung how much he cares for him. Of all the things he thinks of, he settles for one to say out loud:

"Cheesy bitch."

Jisung finds his smile again, bursting out laughing as he hugs a pillow to his chest. "And what about it?"

"Just for today, I'll accept it. But wait… Ji, did you just—did you just say you love Felix?"

It's actually really funny how the realization dawns on Jisung's face. His eyes slowly widen and he stares at the ceiling for a quiet moment before abruptly sitting upright, nearly jumping out of bed.

"Oh my God?! Min, oh my God! I did? I did! Oh my God, I love Felix."

"Hold on, I'm ordering us food. You look like you're going to freak out about this all day. Give me like two minutes."

*

Seungmin finds himself unable to focus in class. After Jisung finally calms down and plans out how to tell Felix, Seungmin returns to Jisung's words about him being hard to get to know. He doesn't really know if this is a good thing, especially when it's led to discomfort for Hyunjin. How much does he think about it that it ended up coming out while he was drunk?

Maybe this is why he still hasn't done or said anything about his feelings for Hyunjin. He's long since admitted to himself that he's in love, but it's a secret he keeps to himself. He hasn't even told Jisung about it, though he knows Jisung already knows without him saying anything.

His head is completely elsewhere as he mindlessly sits in class, notebook open yet void of any real notes. All that's written on the smooth paper is Hyunjin's name. He barely even registers that class had already ended because of how lost he was in the depths of his thoughts. Is he overthinking again? Most likely.

He's pulled back into the present when he feels a hand on his shoulder and he nearly jumps out of his skin from the surprise.

"Oh yikes, you really are in a completely different place," says Changbin, one of his seniors in the program. They had met during the welcome part and have been pretty friendly ever since. "Come on," he adds, looping his arm through Seungmin's. "Let's go get you some lunch, my treat."

Seungmin doesn't have any energy (mental or otherwise) to decline. So he allows himself to be dragged along, following Changbin's lead toward a restaurant by campus.

Changbin is one of the nicer upperclassmen, friendly yet not imposing. At first glance, you wouldn't really think that he would be as cute as he is. As soon as you become friendly, he becomes a completely different person. He's logical yet empathetic, rational yet emotional at the same time. He's a paradox within himself

Maybe that's why Seungmin feels inclined to ask: "Can I ask you for your advice on something?"

When Changbin gives him the go signal, he relays to him the same story that he told Jisung. He chooses to add the detail that he often leaves out of any story: that he's in love with Hyunjin, that he has been for a while now, and he doesn't really know why doesn't do anything about it. He doesn't really know what's stopping him from saying it.

Changbin offers him different perspectives, lists out a select number of possibilities that Seungmin may or may not have thought of. But at the end, Changbin says none of what he said matters.

Because at the end of the day, only Seungmin knows the truth.

*

It works out for him that he and Hyunjin don't see each other as frequently as they used to, especially right now when Seungmin suddenly keeps thinking of things he normally keeps tucked in a special place in the back of his mind. He supposes it's a sign he _should_ be thinking of it instead of ignoring it like he usually does.

He brings it up again when he and Changbin decide to work on their projects together. Like the first time, he first offers different perspectives and potential explanations before reminding Seungmin that the truth lies within him, and it's something he has to come to terms with himself.

As they start delving into philosophical questions, his phone suddenly plays the special ringtone he assigned to Hyunjin.

He barely manages a greeting before he hears Hyunjin sniffling on the other line. He stares at Changbin, who looks back at him with concern.

"I think it's time to give up, Seungmin." He sounds so broken on the phone and it tears Seungmin apart to hear him like this. From the way his voice is slurring, Seungmin can tell he's been drinking. "Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I could do this. Maybe this was all one huge fucking joke."

"I'm coming over. Don't go anywhere."

After getting permission from Changbin to cut their time together short, Seungmin speeds over as fast as he possibly can. When he walks in, Hyunjin is on the floor playing with a bottle cap. Seungmin toes his shoes off then sits in the empty space beside him.

"You really didn't have to come," Hyunjin says softly, puffing his cheeks out.

"It sounded like you needed me."

He cracks a smile, expels a soft laugh. "Conceited, aren't you?"

"Sorry, I can go if—"

"No, don't go," Hyunjin says, scooting close, head resting on Seungmin's shoulder. "Please stay."

"I'll stay as long as you need me to."

"Guess you're never leaving then."

Seungmin chuckles, reminded of this exact same dialogue the last time he was with Hyunjin while he was drunk. There's a melancholy on his face that says a lot without the need for words, and Seungmin knows that there's a lot weighing heavily in his mind.

The doubts have been much louder lately, and it's been taking an obvious toll on Hyunjin.

When Hyunjin begins to talk, begins to tell him about what's led to this, he leans. He does what he does best and just sits there, lets Hyunjin say what he needs to say in between more chugs of soju.

*

"Hey, Min, I—"

"Jisung. Jisung, oh my God. Ji, Hyunjin kissed me."

Seungmin doesn't really know where he is. He just excused himself and walked away, headed towards no particular direction while waiting for Jisung to pick up.

"Thank fucking God, _finally_!" Jisung exclaims loudly over the phone. He might as well have been on speaker with how loud his voice was. "Do you know how painful it was for both me and Felix to watch you two kiss kiss fall in love without the kiss kiss? It's like, damn, just tell each other already!"

"What—"

"You didn't actually think I didn't know, did you? I know you better than I know myself, Min." Jisung's laughter fills his ears. "I knew. I mean, it's really obvious. It's been obvious since high school. I just—"

"I left. I feel like I shouldn't have."

Silence. All he hears is Jisung's breathing and his own heartbeat ringing in his ears.

"You _what_?"

"Listen, he was drunk and I—"

"Go back. Right now."

"Wha—"

Jisung cuts him off again, voice steely. "I mean it, Min. Go back. _Run_ back. As fast as you possibly can. You don't have to explain yourself to me; I told you—I know you. I understand why you left, but _he_ probably doesn't. So get your ass back to his apartment right now before he sobers up and freaks out."

He hates it when Jisung makes sense sometimes. Without wasting another minute, he hurries back. He tries to retrace his path, eventually finding his way back within a couple of minutes. He didn't really make it too far.

Seungmin stands outside Hyunjin's door, not really sure how he should proceed once he walks back inside. Would Hyunjin be asleep? Would he be freaking out as Jisung predicted?

His question is answered as soon as he opens the door. Hyunjin looks even more distraught than he already was.

"I'm so sorry, Seungmin," he says, having regained some of his senses. "I shouldn't have done that."

"No, it's okay, I shouldn't have just left you like that. You probably—"

"No, you had every right to," Hyunjin insists, eyes earnest as he looks at him. Seungmin sits next to him again. " _I'm_ sorry. It's my fault for drinking this much and just—"

This time, it's Seungmin who interrupts, reaching out to take Hyunjin's hand in his. "Hyunjin, please stop apologizing. I really didn't mind. It just took me by surprise, you know? I wasn't really expecting to have my first kiss today."

Hyunjin blinks at him. "You—That was—oh my God," he mutters, eyes growing wide. "Oh God, now I feel so much worse. I'm so sorry. That was a horrible first kiss."

"Will you stop apologizing already? I told you, it's fine."

"No!" Seungmin is surprised by how loud Hyunjin's voice becomes. "No, that wasn't how I wanted our first kiss to be. God, this is so much worse than I thought. I just—" Hyunjin trails off as he sees the look on Seungmin's face.

"Okay," he continues, laughing nervously. "Can we pretend I didn't just say that?"

Seungmin swallows thickly as his face heats up. "Do you really want me to?"

"I…I don't really know, I'm just—I'm still drunk. I'm not thinking clearly."

Seungmin offers him a smile and a squeeze of his hand. "How about this," he says, "Let's get you to bed, and if you want to talk about it when the morning comes, we can. If not, we don't."

Hyunjin nods. "Okay. Yeah, that's—Yeah, that sounds good."

So Seungmin helps him get ready for bed again, much like the last time. And Hyunjin asks him to stay again, just like the last time.

Not like Seungmin was planning on leaving anyway.

*

When Seungmin wakes up, Hyunjin is staring intently at him. Last night feels like one big fever dream to Seungmin, and he can only assume Hyunjin would feel the same considering he had alcohol in his system.

"Hey," Seungmin says, voice hoarse. "How are you feeling?"

Hyunjin offers him a sheepish smile before curling up against him. "Hungover. Embarrassed. Extremely apologetic. I drank way more than I thought I would and ended up… well, you know. You were there. I'm sorry."

Seungmin sighs, moving to tug Hyunjin close. "I keep telling you—"

"—that I don't have to apologize, I know," Hyunjin finishes for him, hiding himself in Seungmin's chest. "Still, I should. I put you in a really awkward position and I didn't even ask for permission. I'm—"

"Hyunjin," Seungmin says sternly. "If you apologize one more time, I will deck you. I really will."

"Sor—Damn it."

They find themselves laughing together, and Seungmin is relieved that it isn't as awkward as it could be. He tells Hyunjin to go back to sleep, to allow himself more rest. He's hesitant at first, but he eventually relaxes and drifts off again.

As Hyunjin sleeps some more, Seungmin can't help but let his thoughts wander to the night before. It all feels surreal, and he's unsure if it all really happened. He has questions that need answers, but he doesn't know if he should be the one to bring it up as the sober party.

He's so deep in thought that he doesn't realize that Hyunjin has woken up again until Hyunjin pokes his cheek.

"Good morning," he whispers, face more bright than earlier. Extra sleep really does work wonders.

"Good morning," Seungmin greets back. He wouldn't really be surprised if it was actually already noon.

There's a shift in the atmosphere, a change in the air as he and Hyunjin find themselves staring deeply into each other's eyes. What little awkwardness he may have felt has already dissipated, gone as soon as Hyunjin flashes him a smile.

Seungmin's heart is racing, and he realizes that Hyunjin is in his arms. Hyunjin is a hair away, so close that he can clearly see the light reflecting in Hyunjin's eyes. It's not the first time they've slept in each other's bed, not the first time Seungmin feels the way he does in Hyunjin's presence. But right now, as their eyes meet, as their fingers lace together and he feels the warmth of Hyunjin's skin, he's hyperaware of just how close they really are.

Something shifted last night; he can feel it in the air, in the way hyunjin's heartbeat mirrors his.

Then Hyunjin says, "I want to kiss you again."

Seungmin's words are caught in his throat, his heart screaming what his voice can't. He hears his heartbeat in his ears, thumping so loudly he can hardly hear himself think.

"It's okay if you don't want to, really," Hyunjin adds, voice soft and warm.

"It's not that. I just—I need a little bit of time to prepare myself. My heart's already beating way too fast; I think it might explode if I'm not careful."

"Guess what," Hyunjin says, taking Seungmin's hand and placing it over his chest. "Mine is too."

*

It goes beyond anything he could have dreamed of. It's so intimate, so beautifully them, and Seungmin wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

He thought he would be nervous, would be overcome by anxiety born from his lack of his experience. He isn't. Instead, he feels comfortable, like it was a missing piece he didn't even know he needed to find. Hyunjin takes care of him so well that it all just feels right.

When they're done, they stare into each other's eyes again. Their faces are both flushed, bashful smiles on their lips.

Something shifted last night. They crossed the line they've been skirting around for all this time. Maybe it's Hyunjin being Hyunjin, but all the worries and doubts Seungmin may have had has now melted away and, all he could think about is how much he feels for the boy whose warmth is seeping into his skin.

*

It's largely unspoken from then on. Everything is the same but different. It's something they need not say out loud to understand.

Hyunjin is kind and understanding, sensitive to the fears that Seungmin holds and the insecurities brought about by his lack of experience with anything to do with feelings.

Changbin asks about it one afternoon, asks if there are any updates in their tale. Seungmin tells him of what happened that night and the morning after, and how he feels everything all at once.

They're still not dating or anything. They're still just them—Hyunjin and Seungmin. He'd like to think it's a mutual understanding, but part of him wonders if it's just him who sees it that way.

"You already know what to do, Seungmin," Changbin tells him.

Seungmin shows him a stiff smile and a shrug. "I guess I do, but still. This is kind of terrifying. Why are feelings so scary?"

Changbin offers a good-natured laugh, patting him on the shoulder. "They always are," he says. "I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and even I still find feelings scary. It's one of those things that you just have to find a way to work through, you know?"

"How do you know when you're ready?" This is the question that's been nagging at him since he first acknowledged his feelings. Is there a right time to do this kind of things? Are there criteria that need to be met before it's appropriate to say things out loud?

"I don't think anyone is ever truly ready to pour their heart out to someone. There's never really a perfect time other than when you actually do it. It's something you just Seungmin wonders what's been stopping him. He's known for a while now, but he still can't bring himself to say it. So he decides to finally talk to Jisung, who knows him better than he knows himself. If there's anyone who can help him figure this out, it would be Jisung.

*

It's finally happening.

It's the night of Hyunjin's first show.

All the blood, sweat, and tears he's shed were all for this night—the night he officially debuts as a member of the team.

Seungmin, Jisung, and Felix have seats up front that Seungmin and Jisung had to pull strings to get. They're all so excited, knowing all the effort Hyunjin has been putting into preparing for this very night. They scream the loudest when it's their turn to perform, in awe of how amazing Hyunjin's presence is from the moment he set foot on the stage.

He was made for the spotlight, born to tell stories through his dance.

Everything about this night makes him emotional. So much so that he finds himself crying mid-performance when Hyunjin is given center spotlight at the peak of the song. Jisung laughs at him, taking pictures as proof of his overwhelming emotions, but he doesn't really care.

He's so proud of Hyunjin.

*

"If Jisung says I cried, he lied," Seungmin says as they sit side by side on the swings.

"He already showed me the pictures," Hyunjin says after a quick chuckle.

They find themselves at a park in Hyunjin's neighborhood, not quite ready to go home yet after leaving the party his dance team hosted to celebrate their win. It reminds Seungmin of the night of the suneung, when they stopped by his childhood playground instead of going straight home.

"God, now _I'm_ feeling nostalgic," Hyunjin says as he looks up at the sky. It's a full moon tonight, but nothing is going to shine brighter than Hyunjin did on stage. "I actually did it. It feels just like yesterday when I had _just_ passed the audition."

"Strange how time works," Seungmin says as he follows Hyunjin's gaze toward the sky. "I never would have thought we'd end up here, you know? At first, I didn't even care enough about you to pay much attention to what was being said about you."

Hyunjin snorts. "And I just figured you were a nerd. Now here we are."

"I mean, you're right." Seungmin looks over at him, smiles when their eyes meet and his face warms up. "I dedicated all my life to studying. You're the reason my schedule changed."

"You're welcome." Hyunjin winks. "I honestly don't even know when I started liking you. It was just there one day, and it felt right so I leaned into it. I figured I was being pretty obvious."

Seungmin's mind goes haywire. This is it, he supposes. This was the moment Changbin was telling him about. There isn't a right time other than when it happens.

He breathes in, his whole entire body set ablaze as the conversation naturally flows. They reminisce together, talk about their shared memories. Hyunjin tells him of the moments he tried to make it obvious to Seungmin, and Seungmin admits he knew.

"I'm not dense," Seungmin confesses, voice as quiet as the night. "There are just some things I choose not to acknowledge and just simply ignore. A lot of them have to do with feelings, especially my feelings for you."

"Since when have you known? I'm curious."

Seungmin hums, kicks off the ground lightly. "I think, on some level, I've always kind of known. From the moment I walked into that classroom to help you with your homework, I think it was already there—the interest. Then every time we met after that, I just started feeling like my day was incomplete when you weren't around.

"Do you remember that time in your family friend's studio? I told you nothing inspired me to work had like you had dance. Somewhere along the way, you became that inspiration. You inspire me, Hyunjin, every single day. You fulfilled a dream tonight, and I am so incredibly proud."

"Stop, I'm going to cry." Hyunjin laughs, but the tears have already spilled. He wipes them away with his sleeve as he sniffles. "You say that, but I wouldn't have made it here without you. I almost gave up so many times thinking I wasn't meant for this, that I was just fooling myself. You kept me going. You helped me during my worst moments, reminded me that I _am_ capable. You saved me from a lifetime of regret, and I don't think I can thank you enough for it."

"No need to thank me, Hyunjin." Seungmin reaches over, wipes Hyunjin's tears with the pad of his thumb. They share a quiet moment like this, looking into each other's eyes with all the fondness in their eyes.

Seungmin breathes in, slowly lets the air out as he prepares himself for what he's about to say next.

"That's just what you do when you love someone."

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you! this fic was a challenge, but i hope you enjoyed reading their journey as much as i enjoyed writing it <3
> 
> — [twitter](https://twitter.com/minbinjins)  
> — [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/minbinjins)


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